Ruby
Age at interview: 22
Age at diagnosis: 19
Brief Outline: Ruby has had several diagnosis including Borderline Personality Disorder with psychotic features. She experiences troubling hallucinations that relate to childhood trauma and has been in hospital regularly for three years. Ruby volunteers to help others.
Background: Ruby is a part-time student with the Open University. She is single and White British.
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Ruby had a difficult and traumatic childhood and began self-harming when she was nine years old. In her teenage years she developed an eating disorder and has attempted to take her own life in the past. Her father was abusive and very controlling and did not allow her to see any medical professionals to get help. When she did manage to get some counselling through her school, he found out and stopped her from going. By the time she was 19 things had reached breaking point. She went to ask her GP for help, and her father made her homeless. Her mental health deteriorated and she was admitted to hospital and assessed by a crisis team.
Over her life she has received several diagnosis’ including Borderline Personality Disorder with psychotic features and Depression.
When she was 19 Ruby began to hear the voice of a man speaking to her and then of a child crying. The voices seemed very real and the child’s screams worried her so much that she would often go looking for her. The man, who she now calls Darren, would make unkind comments to her and tell her to hurt herself. Ruby now thinks that the man and child represent her abusive father and her younger self. She sees her hallucinations, which are visual, auditory and tactile, are her brain’s way of trying to process what happened to her when she was younger. Understanding this has made things a little easier but when she has the hallucinations it still causes her a lot of distress and can put her in dangerous situations. For example, once she visualised the child, who she calls Alice, on a rail track. She put herself in danger trying to get Alice to safety. On another occasion when a friend had an epileptic seizure in church, Darren told her that if she didn’t hurt herself in a specific way, her friend would continue to have fits. There are times when she believes that Darren can control other people’s minds.
Ruby has been in and out of hospital, both general wards and mental health wards, regularly over the last three years and has had periods when she would be in A&E three times a week. Now she has some good days. She still sees things that other people can’t see on a daily basis, but on a good day she isn’t as disturbed by them. There are still bad days, about once a month, when she is faced with distressing situations, flashbacks or situations that act as triggers, and she needs help.
Ruby has attended her local Mind wellbeing centre for courses. The support she has had from the staff there has been very good in helping her set goals that are important to her. This can be anything from sorting out her flat (unpacking boxes from when she moved in), to reducing the number of visits to A&E in a given period. She has achieved things with their support that she didn’t think would be possible. Sorting out her flat had a huge impact on her mental health because it created a comfortable space where she could have friends over.
Medications have helped her. In particular sertraline, an anti-depressant, and quetiapine, an antipsychotic, which help her to sleep better.
Ruby has Joint Hypermobility Syndrome, which means she has increased adrenaline in the body. This in turn affects her mental health because the higher levels of adrenaline increase her anxiety symptoms. This also makes it difficult for her to exercise because her adrenaline levels go too high.
Ruby’s mother wants to do everything she can to support Ruby but has a heart condition herself, which is exacerbated by stress and anxiety. Ruby doesn’t like to worry her, so won’t always tell her when things are bad. When Ruby was a child her mother nearly passed away a few times and she is afraid of losing her. Recently, however, when Ruby took an overdose in hospital, her mother was informed and it allowed Ruby to open up about everything that she was experiencing, and it has brought them closer together.
Ruby is managing her psychosis better now and lives in independent housing. She is pro-active in helping others in need of support. For example, transferring out of Supported Housing meant lots of big changes. While her own housing association was quite good at providing information about what to expect, her friend, who also moved out of supported housing at the same time, had very little guidance or support. Ruby and a group of her friends have now produced a pack to help others moving out of supported accommodation, and everyone moving into independent housing in her local area now gets one of their packs. She has also been involved in volunteering with her local Personality Disorder Service and is a young champion with Time To Change.
Ruby is positive about her future and is currently studying part-time with the Open University. She accepts that her emotions will always be changeable, but she is finding new ways to respond to them. Her hope for the future is to keep on learning to deal with what she experiences. She has accepted that those experiences may not go away, but also that her life is worth living regardless of what happens.
Over her life she has received several diagnosis’ including Borderline Personality Disorder with psychotic features and Depression.
When she was 19 Ruby began to hear the voice of a man speaking to her and then of a child crying. The voices seemed very real and the child’s screams worried her so much that she would often go looking for her. The man, who she now calls Darren, would make unkind comments to her and tell her to hurt herself. Ruby now thinks that the man and child represent her abusive father and her younger self. She sees her hallucinations, which are visual, auditory and tactile, are her brain’s way of trying to process what happened to her when she was younger. Understanding this has made things a little easier but when she has the hallucinations it still causes her a lot of distress and can put her in dangerous situations. For example, once she visualised the child, who she calls Alice, on a rail track. She put herself in danger trying to get Alice to safety. On another occasion when a friend had an epileptic seizure in church, Darren told her that if she didn’t hurt herself in a specific way, her friend would continue to have fits. There are times when she believes that Darren can control other people’s minds.
Ruby has been in and out of hospital, both general wards and mental health wards, regularly over the last three years and has had periods when she would be in A&E three times a week. Now she has some good days. She still sees things that other people can’t see on a daily basis, but on a good day she isn’t as disturbed by them. There are still bad days, about once a month, when she is faced with distressing situations, flashbacks or situations that act as triggers, and she needs help.
Ruby has attended her local Mind wellbeing centre for courses. The support she has had from the staff there has been very good in helping her set goals that are important to her. This can be anything from sorting out her flat (unpacking boxes from when she moved in), to reducing the number of visits to A&E in a given period. She has achieved things with their support that she didn’t think would be possible. Sorting out her flat had a huge impact on her mental health because it created a comfortable space where she could have friends over.
Medications have helped her. In particular sertraline, an anti-depressant, and quetiapine, an antipsychotic, which help her to sleep better.
Ruby has Joint Hypermobility Syndrome, which means she has increased adrenaline in the body. This in turn affects her mental health because the higher levels of adrenaline increase her anxiety symptoms. This also makes it difficult for her to exercise because her adrenaline levels go too high.
Ruby’s mother wants to do everything she can to support Ruby but has a heart condition herself, which is exacerbated by stress and anxiety. Ruby doesn’t like to worry her, so won’t always tell her when things are bad. When Ruby was a child her mother nearly passed away a few times and she is afraid of losing her. Recently, however, when Ruby took an overdose in hospital, her mother was informed and it allowed Ruby to open up about everything that she was experiencing, and it has brought them closer together.
Ruby is managing her psychosis better now and lives in independent housing. She is pro-active in helping others in need of support. For example, transferring out of Supported Housing meant lots of big changes. While her own housing association was quite good at providing information about what to expect, her friend, who also moved out of supported housing at the same time, had very little guidance or support. Ruby and a group of her friends have now produced a pack to help others moving out of supported accommodation, and everyone moving into independent housing in her local area now gets one of their packs. She has also been involved in volunteering with her local Personality Disorder Service and is a young champion with Time To Change.
Ruby is positive about her future and is currently studying part-time with the Open University. She accepts that her emotions will always be changeable, but she is finding new ways to respond to them. Her hope for the future is to keep on learning to deal with what she experiences. She has accepted that those experiences may not go away, but also that her life is worth living regardless of what happens.
Ruby’s father was abusive, and she started self-harming when she was nine years old. Things reached “breaking point” when she was 19.
Ruby’s father was abusive, and she started self-harming when she was nine years old. Things reached “breaking point” when she was 19.
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Ruby had a diagnosis of BPD and explains that while psychosis is an element of that, it isn’t very often talked about.
Ruby had a diagnosis of BPD and explains that while psychosis is an element of that, it isn’t very often talked about.
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No, they, it is in the criteria for borderline personality disorder. It's just not really one of the parts that's talked about. I mean, I attended a year's worth of DBT with up to 20 other people during that time and none of them had the psychosis element of BPD, it's, it's really not talked about. Yeah, I mean it's in there but it's, they kind of said borderline personality disorder with psychotic features. They kind of, they mention it in that, because it's not that common. But, I think the way it's slightly different is that it, it tends to be from experiences rather than like some people's psychosis is a bit more random like it can be affected by other things that they've experienced. But they might see a pink elephant. I mean, it's quite unlikely that I will see the pink elephant. But like yeah, it could be, it could be anything. Whereas mine tends to be on like it doesn't feel it at the time, but in hindsight when I am not in that situation so intensely, it tends to be something trauma related.
Ruby hears the voices of her younger self and her abusive father, which she now calls “Alice” and “Darren”. Sometimes Darren tells her to do things that involve self -harm or putting herself in danger.
Ruby hears the voices of her younger self and her abusive father, which she now calls “Alice” and “Darren”. Sometimes Darren tells her to do things that involve self -harm or putting herself in danger.
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When Ruby started hearing voices she was already seeing mental health services. Staff told her to “just get on with it” and her GP referred her for talking therapy. Things got worse and she ended up in hospital being assessed by a crisis team.
When Ruby started hearing voices she was already seeing mental health services. Staff told her to “just get on with it” and her GP referred her for talking therapy. Things got worse and she ended up in hospital being assessed by a crisis team.
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So things started when I was younger, but yeah, things kind of reached breaking point just before I turned 19. I was still living at home at the time and I went to my GP and said, look, I can't carry on how I am. So she referred me to mental health services and then when I went home that night, my dad made me homeless because I had gone behind his back to get that help, so we've not spoken since.
So by that stage, I guess you were seen by the adult kind of services.
Yeah.
And how was that? You went through the GP and they referred you.
Yeah. So it took a while. I mean, I, my GP referred me to Talking Therapies, but I never got the letter. And then, a few weeks later when I was already, I was sofa surfing and I hadn't got the letter and things were getting worse. My GP then tried to refer me onto secondary mental health services but then I started ending up in general hospital. So the crisis team assessed me. And so I think, I actually got into services through the crisis team, but it, it, yeah, it was on the way there with the GP- but yes, it was the crisis team.
Mental health services told Ruby “we don’t want you back” because she was self-harming. Ruby has a good care coordinator now who has worked with her before when she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Mental health services told Ruby “we don’t want you back” because she was self-harming. Ruby has a good care coordinator now who has worked with her before when she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
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Yeah, so I didn't then, because they kept saying like, ''We don't want you back in services, services isn't like the be all and end all. You don't wanna be in services all your life.'' Which is true, I don't want to be in services all of my life. But I also don't want this to carry on for all of my life and I don't know how to get further on from this. So then the crisis team came to me and they said, ''We will work with you ‘if’ you don't hurt yourself.'' Not like in a threatening way, but like in a, if you're just gonna go and hurt yourself, despite us trying to work with you, there's nothing we can do. So I said that I would do that and they worked with me. It took them three months to get me a care coordinator. So yeah, I worked with them for three months. —
That was after all these hospital admissions?
Yeah, yeah. And now I have a care coordinator and actually this care coordinator has known me for three years, because he's the personality disorder specialist. So he runs the DBT group. I've done volunteering with him. Yeah, he knows me quite well and knows my experiences quite well. And we are now working towards a placement at [a specialist personality disorder hospital] or [alternative pronunciation] depending on who you ask how they say it, which is a specialist unit [in one of the big cities].
Ruby has been “taken to a place of safety” under section 136 of Mental Health Act by police 45 times.
Ruby has been “taken to a place of safety” under section 136 of Mental Health Act by police 45 times.
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What's a 136 or 146?
So it's, it's a Section 136 is the Mental Health Act and it's a police detention, so they can take you to a place of safety where you can stay for up to 72 hours and then you have to be released. And in that time, they'll do a Mental Health Act assessment to see if you need a further section. Yeah, it can only be done, at the moment, it can only be done in a public place.
So, although they do bend the rules a little bit with that. Not- so, for example, when I was in supported housing, my room wasn't public, but the corridor was. So as soon as I stepped into the corridor they could section me. So they kind of convinced, convinced me to step out and then, and then they sectioned me. Yeah, it, yeah, it tends to be well when I was in supported housing it would be that the support workers were worried that I wasn't safe being there then they would contact- train stations if you're vulnerable and you are at a train station and you're experiencing psychosis or you are suicidal then somebody tends to call the police. And multi storey car parks, I think those are the only places.
Ruby’s experience of being detained by police has been mostly positive particularly when they have spoken in a “gentle tone” and not been aggressive. She thinks it’s better if police avoid using physical restraint as that can be distressing.
Ruby’s experience of being detained by police has been mostly positive particularly when they have spoken in a “gentle tone” and not been aggressive. She thinks it’s better if police avoid using physical restraint as that can be distressing.
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Ruby has had bad experience of going to A&E after self-harming or attempting suicide.
Ruby has had bad experience of going to A&E after self-harming or attempting suicide.
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It's a quite unkind—
Yeah, yeah. And I mean I've had positive experiences as well and there are several like all of the A&E staff know me now. But there are a few that will every time they will apologise for their colleagues who have been so not understanding.
Ruby, who has had regular hospital stays because of her mental health, has had good experience with staff in general hospital wards. She has found regular staff are well trained and keep her safe, although agency staff need to be more aware.
Ruby, who has had regular hospital stays because of her mental health, has had good experience with staff in general hospital wards. She has found regular staff are well trained and keep her safe, although agency staff need to be more aware.
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Talking to me gently. Just generally chatting to me as well. But when I'm not in distress, because although being admitted, I was in distress. My BPD means that that can dissipate very quickly as well as it can come on very quickly. So I wasn't always distressed for the entirety of my stay. Yeah, just being, not judging anyone I think finding a way to let people outside for fresh air really helps. Because being, it's a locked ward, the young person's ward and being locked on a ward can be quite difficult. And yeah, if you're not allowed out at all then, yeah, it can be quite- just going outside even for five minutes fresh air can really help. But has also got me into a lot of trouble before [laughs], because there are risks that the nurses don't realise that there are, because it's a general hospital so they are not as trained. Things like the hospital shop sells Paracetamol to anyone over 16. And they also sell razors and pencil sharpeners and things like that. So, it, it can be a risk if you're out on your own. And agency staff, like the staff on the ward that are normally on the ward they know now, because it's they, they are aware it's happened. But agency staff don't tend to know. And so, when you're quite unwell, you can kind of talk your way into a situation that actually ends up hurting you more.
Ruby talks about tapping into a “recovery community” through a private account on Instagram, and using Facebook groups, which she finds a really positive experience.
Ruby talks about tapping into a “recovery community” through a private account on Instagram, and using Facebook groups, which she finds a really positive experience.
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Ruby goes to a wellbeing group run by her local Mind centre. She talks about the benefit of having support workers there to chat to who have a different “perspective” to health service providers.
Ruby goes to a wellbeing group run by her local Mind centre. She talks about the benefit of having support workers there to chat to who have a different “perspective” to health service providers.
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What sorts of things. Can you just sort of mention the sorts of things that that's helped with?
Well, it's helped with being around people who although their experiences aren't the same, they understand. They're also, it's run by support workers and for the last hour there's sort of a general chat amongst everyone getting to know each other, talking about whatever you want. But there's also the staff are there if you want a one to one chat. There've been lots of times where things have been difficult during the week. It's somebody outside of services that doesn't have the same perspective, but understands mental health that you can just let things out and talk about whatever and they never sort of go, oh my gosh, that's so strange or like can't believe you're experiencing that. Yeah, they just understand. Also, so some of the goals I've set have been one of them was to be out of hospital as much as possible. I had, during that time we worked to put things in place and I think I only went to A&E four times whereas at some points it's been like every other day. So, yeah, working on that was a big improvement
Ruby talks about the impact of her psychosis on friendships and how friends have helped her. Her mother is very supportive, although she didn’t open up to her about her psychosis for a long time.
Ruby talks about the impact of her psychosis on friendships and how friends have helped her. Her mother is very supportive, although she didn’t open up to her about her psychosis for a long time.
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I was gonna ask you where that came from, yeah.
Just a friend was desperate to find something to help and that was- he spent hours looking. Yeah. It helped.
Brilliant. And what about sort of family, is there any other family there that's been supportive?
My mum is supportive. So I have no contact with any of my dad's side of the family. But my mum and her partner are very supportive. Although it took me quite a long time to open up to them. It wasn't until October this year that they knew I had hallucinations. Because I was so worried about what they would think. But also my mum has physical health problems herself and stress and anxiety, 'cause it's a heart condition she has. Can really trigger a, a negative spiral that can lead to her being in hospital and a few times when I was younger she did nearly pass away and so that's always been a big fear for me that if I told her something negative that had happened then she would go into a negative spiral and I would lose the only family I have. But when I, the last overdose that I took was so serious they rang my mum and told her that they thought I was gonna die.
She didn't know that I was in hospital. So, yeah, a big, a big shock for her. But it, it brought us a lot closer. I opened up about everything that I was experiencing.
Ruby lived for a year without being able to unpack her belongings but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Getting help with it had a huge impact on her mental health.
Ruby lived for a year without being able to unpack her belongings but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Getting help with it had a huge impact on her mental health.
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So that was, I was already in it's housing association housing. But I was in a third floor flat moved to a ground floor flat. But when I moved, I wasn't well enough to unpack. So a year on, there was still boxes everywhere, because I wasn't in a position to unpack and I'd never let anybody in, nobody, absolutely nobody, because I couldn't, I didn't want to admit that I couldn't unpack. And so eventually I let somebody in and we set that goal and we worked towards it and we achieved what I didn't think would ever be possible and then the impact of that on my mental health was huge, really. 'Cause not only did I now have a liveable space, I could have people come over if I wanted them or needed them to come over. But also, it's a reminder that I can continually tell myself that if a little bit at a time, 'cause I can't do stuff for very long, because of my physical health. But a little bit at a time does achieve an end goal. And so with recovery say, a little bit at a time, hopefully will get to where you want to be.
Ruby has received a lot of practical help from the Church. The people there were supportive, welcoming and understanding when she was unwell and even visited her in hospital.
Ruby has received a lot of practical help from the Church. The people there were supportive, welcoming and understanding when she was unwell and even visited her in hospital.
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Ruby describes how watching certain films and TV programmes can trigger her psychosis.
Ruby describes how watching certain films and TV programmes can trigger her psychosis.
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Yeah, that tends to be more on those sort of delusion side of psychosis rather than the hallucination side. But, I mean, that was triggered off again by a programme I was watching, Homeland. And her medication does get swapped. But she doesn't realise. And yeah, so generally before I watch something now, like this was when I, I didn't have, I didn't really know that it was gonna affect me in that way. I tend to sort of ask my friends, ''Has anyone watched it like what's it about. Like what sort of things does it mention. ''And there are certain things they steer away from. Things that kind of psychologically- like oh that could be a possibility, yeah, 'cause my brain tries to convince me then that it is it latches onto things and sort of twists them.
Although Ruby doesn’t think her emotions will ever be “standard”, she thinks her response to them will change. She has accepted that although her psychosis may or may not go away, her life is worth living.
Although Ruby doesn’t think her emotions will ever be “standard”, she thinks her response to them will change. She has accepted that although her psychosis may or may not go away, her life is worth living.
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I do use the word recovery. I mean, there’s, yeah, there's different things that I think apply to, to different parts of my recovery. I don't think my emotions will ever be kind of standard. I think they'll always change more quickly and that they'll always be a bit more intense. But my reaction to those emotions, I think can recover. I mean, I'm a lot better than I was. I'm, at one point I couldn't stay out of hospital for more than 12 hours. I've not been in hospital since October. So, in, in that respect things are moving forward. But also, from my understanding about most people that go to [the specialist personality disorder hospital], which is where I'm being referred to is that after they leave, they have a bit of support from services. But in the long term they don't need services. They are able to manage most of the time on their own. Yes, they sometimes have crisis's and need a bit of support, but generally they can manage. And, yeah, I think that's what I hope for my future that I can continue to learn to deal with what I experience. I mean, I've kind of accepted that it may or may not go away, but that either way my life is worth living.
Ruby wants young people to know they are not alone and that there are others waiting to connect. She thinks family and friends should accept what’s happened and not pretend it isn’t happening.
Ruby wants young people to know they are not alone and that there are others waiting to connect. She thinks family and friends should accept what’s happened and not pretend it isn’t happening.
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