Menopause

From a work point of view I was finding it a struggle, not day to day process but if I have a specific project that was on board that needed to be completed within a time scale or I needed to gather information, I felt lethargic. I felt that I wasn’t being assertive and I felt that I was like losing my ability to think things through. That definitely affected me, that side I noticed and that’s when I said, “Well what’s happening here, why is this affecting me?” Well it’s affecting your brain isn’t it really, and you feel incapable like I couldn’t function. I wasn’t functioning as well as I should be and obviously you don’t want your employers to think that they’ve assigned you a piece of a piece of work and you’re not able to do it. But with serious concentration and time I mean I was able to complete whatever it was that I was doing or had to do but I felt it a struggle. I felt that I was losing my grip.

And with your work colleagues, any change in the way you related to them?

With my work colleagues I felt that what people spotted in me was how quiet I became, not that I was always chatting a lot in the office but for a period I said very little. I contributed not very much to general conversation and I always had done and I don’t know whether or not I was becoming a little bit withdrawn.

Hot flushes, kind of not so much but occasionally they were happening whilst I was working and at home. Especially at work if I was in a meeting or something because I’m a union rep, so I have to attend meetings at different times during my course of work. So I’d be in a meeting and all of a sudden I would just have a hot flush for no apparent reason. So that became a bit of a problem.

I would just all of a sudden be in a situation, like I said mainly when I was in meetings or whatever usually close proximity with somebody. And I could just feel myself building up, from my stomach coming up and then all of a sudden I’d have this rosy face. And it would stay there for twenty minutes or so afterwards, I’d come out of the meeting and I’d just be sat there and I’d be thinking, “God, how can I cool down?”

Were you aware of it in the meeting. Did you feel it come?

I could feel it, yeah, I could feel it and I was aware that other people could see it as well because I would go in, in front of them and I’d be quite normal and then all of a sudden this would build up and it was like it was quite embarrassing. And in other social situations as well when I was around other people, friends and stuff.

Did anybody say anything?

No, they would just sort of comment say, “Oh, you’ve got a red face” and I’d just say, “Yeah, I just feel a bit hot.” Just start waving my hands.

It’s just part and parcel of life and you’ve just got to get on with it. But for me I found it quite hard because I was with guys and I was having to still march eight miles with a pack on my back and do a basic fitness test of running three miles in a certain period of time although I got a bit longer because I was a woman and because I was older. But every month it was a complete struggle and I had to time everything. Anything I was doing I had to think about what time of the month is it, am I going to have a period then or not. And it got to such where I didn’t know when I was going to have a period and how bad it was going to be. I can remember one day and I was doing before the run you have to some exercises which are sit ups and press ups and I was doing the sit ups and you have a guy holding your feet and I did the sit ups and I got up and of course there was blood underneath. And I thought ahh. And it’s an embarrassment but of course I’d still got to do the run.

So a lot of it meant that I was out in the field and it’s just not the most convenient of places to

How did you deal with it all?

You used a spade and that was it. There’s no toilets or anything and you’ve got to make sure you’ve got everything with you and because I was flooding all the time I used to make sure I’d take my knickers but I’d have my Tampax and I’d have some towels with me because I thought that if I’m going to be out for so long I may not be able to go, I might start leaking and I don’t want it to come through my trousers and you’ve got to live in those trousers for the next week.

So do you feel it affected your career in any way?

In the early days no but I would say in the last five years definitely. Definitely. I mean I left the Army because I thought the Army changed a lot in thirty years but I mean as I say one of my last tours was with an Infantry Battalion and I was still expected physically to do the same as the men. Well, I mean I was over 40 then and to go out on an eight mile march, I was the oldest woman in the battalion of six hundred people but I was expected to keep up at the same rate. Well, physically any person over 40 is going to find it harder than a 20 year old but as a woman dealing with changing life and changing hormones it was even more so and I thought “This is time for me to leave, I can’t keep up with these people”. And in the Army you have to carry on doing all the fitness until you’re 50. So I think for a lot of women there’s not many women staying till that age.

So what impact do you think all that has on your work?

It does because you’re not focused, and you’re going in and your brain can be going all over the place and I’m trying to juggle seven different things i.e. today and I’m thinking, “Which one do I start first?” And it’s trying to put those in an order where I need to do this first, this is urgent and everything else can follow on behind but then I’ve got a boss who will want three things urgently in the same moment and it’s trying to juggle that as well. And all you want to say is, “Give me ten minutes on my own with no phones or anything else so I can focus on what I’m doing.” But the phones are going, you’ve got people in the office and everything else so it’s tiring.

My biggest thing was the loss of confidence, the loss of self-esteem, the loss of putting myself out there. Up until then I would have been a confident, out and about kind of person doing talks, going to meetings, all of that. I completely lost my confidence with the result that I very much retreated in back to the centre here, much happier to work on books, planning systems, working within the centre. I certainly stopped being out there. Going to meetings I felt awkward, lacked confidence and I felt that as a representative of the organisation I was letting it down in some ways. That paranoia, stupid jealousies sometimes, every kind of emotion you can think of was exaggerated. The impact on work then was probably I didn’t feel I was doing the job. I felt, “I’m going to be caught out. I’m not doing this job as well.” A lack of belief in my own ability, so looking for reassurance all the time and wanting to be reassured that I was doing, that I was okay, that I’m doing the job all right. That kind of, paranoia is the word for it, that not saying that people are talking about you, it’s not that sort of thing but that you’re going to be found out that you’re not doing your job properly or you’re going to be found out that you’re not the great person you thought they think you are.

How do the men at work respond to all this?

Oh. Don’t ask. They make a bit of a thing about it, “Oh, here Maria goes again. She’s flushing.” They joke, joke, joke, joke. Whatever joke they can think of they’ll say it and I don’t know if it’s because they don’t understand or if it’s because they just don’t care. I don’t know but many of the men they will just laugh about it. I don’t know one that’s considerate really about the situation. They just laugh and joke about it.

How does that make you feel?

I’m thick skinned. It doesn’t bother me. I deal with things my way. Sticks and stones, it doesn’t bother me but there are people that it does bother, and I’ll try and defend them. And I do try to explain to these guys but they don’t want to know. They’re not interested. It’s just a joke, you get your blonde jokes, you get your menopause jokes. They have these jokes and they just think it’s funny so me personally it doesn’t bother me.

Why do you think there are lots of jokes about it?

That’s difficult. I don’t know. I don’t know. I think it’s to hide the embarrassment, to hide the embarrassment you joke about things, you laugh about it but really deep down, you’re upset, you’re sad, you’re emotional and because it’s happening in a public place. So what can you do? Stand there and cry or have a laugh about it. I think that is what a lot of us do do. Because we’re going through that scenario and we feel that people are looking at us and thinking, “Oh, what’s wrong with her?” You’ll joke, “Oh, I’m just having a hot flush.” And laugh about it and then they’ve gone and walked off. They don’t care, and so yeah, I think that’s why people do, just to hide the embarrassment really.

I’m very very serious in work, very very serious. Where I’ve noticed other colleagues of mine having a bit of banter about taking the piss out of people or having a laugh and a joke, winding people up yeah, for some reason I’m just work, work, work and even like, my husband and the kids if they make a joke I can’t see that joke anymore. Years ago I could but I can’t anymore. And that is upsetting. Well that hurts that does because then people don’t banter with you or wind you up because they know that you can’t take it anymore.

Have people said anything to you?

Yeah, I’ve been told to “Chill out”, “Calm Down”. It’s not that I’m not good at my job, I am but I’d be so much a nicer person if I was good at my job and able to have a laugh with it, if you can see the meaning. And I know that has changed over the last twelve months.

I was told then to “Chill out” in work today.

Why was that?

Because I wanted to do something, I interrupted somebody when they was talking, because I needed to get that out straight away and there was no need to get it out straight away, I’m interrupting people when they’re talking and it’s not only bad manners, it’s not very professional. And I know I’m doing it, and why am I doing it. And I know I wouldn’t have done it last year.

Yeah, where I work there’s only four of us there, one man, his wife and another lady of my age, we’re all about the same age actually, I’m the eldest of them. And yes it’s a small office, it’s not like a big office so if one of you is having a bad day it does rub off on the others. It was a very small sized office as well and my boss said to me, he said, “It’s got to the stage Carole where I’m afraid to ask you, ‘are you alright’, in case you snap at me”. I said, “Oh I’m very sorry about that, I don’t mean to do it, I’m not even aware I’m doing it”. And he said, “I can’t approach you,” he said, “We’re all finding it hard to approach you because you bark at us” and I said, “You know what the problems are. Well I’m stressed in my job, I’m stressed in my job and this is a way of dealing with it. There’s a lot I’ve got to do and I’ve got to do it quickly and I’ve got to do it thoroughly and if it’s not done properly you’re going to ask me why. So I’m sorry if I’m a bit snappy”.

And as I say I was going to leave but then the boss said, “Well, what are you going to do?” he said, “I don’t want to lose you” he said, “You’re a damn good worker”. He said, “This business needs you, you’ve helped me build it up”. I said, “I can’t carry on doing this job”, I said, “What the problems are, I’m going through the menopause, I’m on HRT, I’ve had problems with the job”, and he said, “Well look, can I offer you a part-time job working for us or are you completely fed up with this company?” I said, “No I like working here but I just can’t do that job”. So yes, I mean, working close, I never thought I’d have to go to my manager man and say, “Well sorry I can’t do my job anymore because it’s too stressful and maybe if I wasn’t going through the menopause I probably could do it”.

I mean and going part-time I mean I work Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If I go in on Monday and have a terrible day I haven’t got to go in the next day. Go in Wednesday and have a terrible day, it’s not there everyday, I can take a break from it.

Last year here at the [workplace] we ran a Women’s Event which was all around menopause and the health of ladies which I was one of the main organisers of and we had some external speakers come in and talk to us and talk about diet. And we also had a gynaecologist come in and talk about it as well. And it was a very well turned out event and everybody’s got their own story to tell and they’ve all got their own ways of coping with things. So it was a really good way of networking in a funny sort of way. But also we wanted to raise the awareness for our supervisors and managers because I think our male colleagues, unless they have partners themselves that are going through it, I think don’t really understand what it’s always about and making sure that the working environment, do you need a seat by a window, do you need to have a fan on the desk, do you need to take regular breaks to get some fresh air. And it was all about raising the awareness around that as well.

So you had police officers attending as well?

Yes, yes we did yeah. It was mainly turned out by females, we were really encouraging our male colleagues to come along but it was quite difficult, but we did have a few there. But it was mainly well attended by females and what was good to see was it was females of a very young age as well obviously wanting to know.

And yes I do know that some people have really been struggling and when we had our day, when we actually launched the report that we did that from the research that got done from [name of university], I mean there were some real horror stories came out then and not just police officers but from staff as well and I think some of them perhaps hadn’t realised that this was what they were suffering from. They knew they were being moody, they knew sometimes they found it difficult to cope but they didn’t really understand why. And for some of them it was really good. The light came on and they realised, and then they realised that there was actually something they could do about it as well. And from after we’d had that research done and what have you and carried on and things it crops up now and again and I know, well I’m quite sure that there are some, particularly the more senior women officers, who have struggled and not realised that this is what was causing it.

It’s only recently through speaking to you that especially at work as well, the girls are willing to talk about it more. They want to sit and discuss it and they were a bit nervous. They were waiting to see how this went and then maybe you will have got more response from them because some of them are a bit shy or nervous about the situation. Like I said, there’s two ladies well, one I know in particular, she’ll cry when she has a flush. She’d rather hide in the toilet. It really upsets her but I think her upbringing, she wasn’t able to talk about it. She has no one to talk to about it so when I started broaching the subject at work they were like, “Wow, oh, someone’s speaking to us about it.” And so it’s a more open subject at the moment.

How many women do you think at work are going through this?

There’s loads. I know of six off hand really, at the moment and we all laugh, well, we talk about it but we make a thing, a joke about it at work because they’ll take their jackets off as well and they’re fanning. One lady is looking into herbal remedies. I’m not sure exactly what but she was going to get back to us about what she’d researched and somebody drinks iced tea. They’ve all got their own theory as to what makes them feel better. So yeah, but it’s an open subject now at [supermarket].