Interview 01
Age at interview: 41
Brief Outline:
Was admitted to intensive care in 1998 because of a complication during pregnancy, leading to septic shock. Was in ICU for 11 days and in general ward for 2 weeks. Recovered well and has had no further problems related to that illness.
Background:
Occupation: nurse. Marital status: married. Number of children: 1. Ethnic background: White British.
More about me...
She had heard doctors discuss what was happening to her and saw the shock on the doctor's face...
She had heard doctors discuss what was happening to her and saw the shock on the doctor's face...
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Then I remember the Consultant coming down from Intensive Care who was on call and I knew who it was, I couldn't see him, but I heard his voice so I knew which Consultant it was and I heard him on the telephone asking for another Consultant to come down. They didn't even realise that it was me that they were coming to see, when the other Consultant arrived I could see him. My vision had come back at that point, so I could see him and I just remember his face, he was just in total shock and I could see from people's faces in the room that things were getting worse.
At one point I just could not breathe, I could feel my lungs filling up with fluid and I remember panicking at that stage. Even though people were trying to reassure me all the time, I knew that things were getting worse. I remember saying to the Consultant Obstetrician at one point, "Have I got septic shock?" And he said, "No, no, no, everything's fine."
She sometimes feared she'd been kidnapped and needed to escape because she drifted between...
She sometimes feared she'd been kidnapped and needed to escape because she drifted between...
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So this must have gone on for about three or four days that I was in this kind of twilight zone, and then gradually things would happen. The nurses would come and take bloods from the drips and things and say, "We're just doing, taking this blood to check your drug levels." Or, "We're just taking this blood to check your oxygen levels and then I'd think, "Well why would aliens want to check my oxygen levels? And why would aliens want to check my drug levels?" And I think I then started, that must have been at a time when I was becoming more orientated myself, when all the drugs were wearing out of my system and everything else. So then I started to think, "Well maybe it's not aliens, maybe I really am in the Intensive Care Unit".
And the other thing that was strange was one minute I would remember what had happened and why I was in there, I'd remember about the baby and I'd remember about everything that had happened leading up to me being poorly, but then the next minute I'd be back to thinking that I was in this spaceship, so they were very contradicting thoughts.
Because of her nursing experience, she fully understood what had happened to her and the...
Because of her nursing experience, she fully understood what had happened to her and the...
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The staff have told me that when I was admitted I was on dopamine, and adrenaline on quite high doses. I also needed boluses of inotropic support to support my heart and circulation. I was also commenced on haemofiltration because my kidneys had packed in, more or less straightaway. So I was put on to the haemofilter to support my kidneys (and fluid balance) but also to try and filter out the toxins from the sepsis as well.
She wanted only close family to visit her while she was not looking like herself.
She wanted only close family to visit her while she was not looking like herself.
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And just going back to something you mentioned earlier. You said that you didn't want too many friends visiting. At what stage did you feel, 'I'm ready to see my friends again'?
When I started to look a bit more like myself, a bit more normal, and you know, I just looked like me. For the first few weeks I didn't look anything like me, and people, you know, people on the unit used to say, you know, all the time patients come in and relatives say it doesn't look like my relative and you can't appreciate that. But they could from seeing me 'cause they knew what I normally looked like and they say I was nothing like that, I was just blown up with fluid. I was blue I'd D.I.C. because I'd bled into all my tissues and my eyes and so I didn't even resemble anything like me.
She was critically ill in intensive care and finds the anniversary of her illness extremely...
She was critically ill in intensive care and finds the anniversary of her illness extremely...
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But it's, you have to do, you have to unlock it and you have to, you know, that day I can't do anything. I can't, I can't work, if I've got to work I have to take it off as a holiday or a day off. I can't you know, go anywhere and do anything nice. That's the day that I just have to spend either on my own or with my husband or with my little boy and we do something together. And then the next day we just get on with our lives.
She found the care on the ward excellent and felt like she needed to do more for herself once she...
She found the care on the ward excellent and felt like she needed to do more for herself once she...
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She was extremely weak and her family worried that if she needed anything during the night, no...
She was extremely weak and her family worried that if she needed anything during the night, no...
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And I was changing ward and I was put into a side ward because obviously the ward staff thought I needed privacy but no, very upset and very distraught and I had lots of visitors and other staff and I was put into the side ward. But I couldn't even walk, I couldn't get up and sit in the chair by myself. I could feed myself by that point, but I couldn't get to the toilet, I couldn't stand up, I couldn't get to the sink. If my glass was on a trolley at the bottom of the bed I wouldn't have been able to reach that. So it was quite difficult and my relatives saw this and they knew that I'd gone from being in Intensive Care with my own nurse to suddenly being, alone really. And, you know, they were worried what would happen if I went off in the night, what would happen if nobody could, you know, I couldn't contact anybody so they were worrying about all those kinds of things. And it was quite daunting even for me even though I knew that that would happen, it was still quite daunting and, you know, frightening. And even if you did buzz the nurses, they were obviously busy. They couldn't come as quickly as they could on the Intensive Care Unit, you'd have to wait, which wasn't anybody's fault. But it would have been better if I could have done a bit more for myself.
She was a nurse in the ICU where she was a patient, and asked questions over and over again in...
She was a nurse in the ICU where she was a patient, and asked questions over and over again in...
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I needed to know everything, every minute detail, and I'd ask things not, I remember asking not once but several times because you tend to forget what somebody's told you, so you need them to keep telling you these things. And then there's an element where you think, "Have I got that right? Did I really, did that really happen or have I dreamt it?" 'Cause you still, you kind of like being in a Twilight Zone it's, "Have I dreamt that or did it happen? Or is this real? Or have I imagined it?" So you need telling not once but several times, so I'm sure I mithered people till they were sick to death with me but if I did they never showed it. They always answered everything and, you know, it was always done, you know, they'd sit down, and they'd spend time talking, and they'd listen to me, and they'd answer me and, it didn't matter how many times I asked a question they would always answer it. And that continued even when I'd been discharged.
The follow-up team explained how she might feel over the coming months and a psychologist helped...
The follow-up team explained how she might feel over the coming months and a psychologist helped...
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As I say they explained how I'd be feeling over the next few weeks, or the next months. I also saw a specialist in Behavioural Medicine who's part of the follow-up team and she was absolutely brilliant. At first I was quite dubious 'cause I thought it would be like counselling and they asked my husband as well, not because, with several reasons, obviously as I was a member of staff on the unit, I'd been a patient on the unit, we'd lost a baby, I'd remembered being resuscitated, my husband had witnessed some of it 'cause it was a few minutes into the resuscitation before they'd realised that he was just stood there in the wings, so he'd witnessed some of that as well. So they thought it would be good for both of us and we were both a bit dubious and a bit sceptical and he declined. He said that he would be fine, and I said, "no I would". I wanted to go ahead and see the specialist, the behavioural specialist, and she was absolutely brilliant. I don't think I could have done it without her and I suppose it was a bit like counselling but it was probably a bit more involved than that.
She wanted to change her appearance, decorate the house and have more quality time, and was...
She wanted to change her appearance, decorate the house and have more quality time, and was...
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Why did you feel like doing this?
I don't know. I just, I don't know I just did it. And I had this, I got this thing in my mind that you're only here once and that you never know when things are going to be taken away from you, and there's no pockets in shrouds so you might as well spend your money. There's no point watching your bank balance grow and, so I went a bit daft and [laughs] was booking holidays and changing the house, changing my clothes. I wanted to completely change my hairstyle, just really things that were really out of character for me. I'm one of those people that kind of plods along and I wouldn't say I don't like change but I, you know, to change things for me I'd have to think about things a lot and really convince myself that things were right, whereas I was a lot more spontaneous. And I remember my husband saying, "You're gonna have to stop." [laughs], "You're gonna have to stop this because we're gonna have nothing left." [laughs]. And then you started to think, "Yeah I've done enough now with, I better just calm down a bit." But again when I've told the Psychologist and she again just said, "But you're not the only person who would do something like that, it's quite normal after what you've been through." And so, you know, again I was a bit relieved that I wasn't doing something that was completely, I thought abnormal.
Her experience of intensive care led her and her colleagues to change several things in their...
Her experience of intensive care led her and her colleagues to change several things in their...
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Even down to things like bin lids, when people put their foot on the pedal of the bin and the bin crashes down and you're just dropping off to sleep and, you know, you already think you're in a strange environment, that you've been abducted like by aliens and then this thing comes crashing down. So they changed all the bins so that the bin lids came down very slowly and they didn't crash. We did a booklet for patients who were going to be part of the follow-up clinic, which describes the things that they would go through, about the nightmares, about the pains and the aches, and loss of appetite and loss of concentration, all those kind of things. So myself and the follow-up nurse, we did a booklet for patients, the follow-up team has since been further developed.
The other thing that we changed was we've decided that, I found it quite hard going from the Intensive Care Unit to the ward, so they decided to step patients level of care down, so that some of the monitoring would be reduced gradually before patients went to the ward so that it wouldn't be such a shock to go from one extreme to another.