Health and weight (young people)

So it became quite frequent for me, for kind of leave a lesson quite suddenly, just to escape all that verbal abuse. And where I’d go it be the boys toilets because it was the only place where I would not be found, because, you know, it’s the last places teachers tend to think for some strange reason, and it was quite an isolated place where there was very few people.

 

So what I did there really, was comfort eat initially on what I had in my lunch box with that being, you know, sandwiches, or crisps or biscuits or whatever and that was just a way to make yourself look better, because I think I felt probably quite depressed, and quite down and really unbelievably anxious about being in the school environment. So that became my way of just kind of dealing with that in a way.

 

So and that’s what I did. And I think the first time I did it, I didn’t necessarily think, eating disorder, or bulimia or any of those things, because, you know, I’d never thought about that before. It wasn’t really the sort of thing I’d come across. So I didn’t think that it was anything like that.

 

And I actually thought at the time quite naively that, you know, it would do me better because the fact that I was going to be sick, making myself sick was a good thing. You know what I mean. So, and what I found was that, that, it was quite therapeutic in a weird kind of… well in a twisted kind of way. You know, because the kind of, the making, you know, the comfort eating was kind of representing the build up of emotions that I was experiencing in some ways. And feeling quite full, felt like I was feeling, you know, quite bursting at the seams with all these things I had to, anger and sadness I suppose as well, for the situation. So making myself sick kind of relieved all those kind of build up of emotions which in effect made myself feel better.

 

And I think that is what I realised quite quickly that, that, you know, it was a good thing for me at that time. So, and that’s how it kind of developed. You know, I would keep on running out of lessons or running from the school yard or whatever, and going to the toilet, and carrying on these behaviours as a coping mechanism to deal with what I was going through.

It was also difficult to find out whether he had an eating disorder or anorexia or bulimia but he was found to have EDNOS [Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified] which is neither. But he was anorexic during the day, come the evening it was like, well I haven’t actually eaten enough, and he would binge but binge on low calorie stuff. Very eating disordered, I had to buy yogurts from Tesco’s, Tesco’s brand, I would have to buy pasta from Asda’s because he knew the calorie content of that, he was into bagels that had to be from Sainsbury’s, it was just like, mad. I was hiding food, not hiding, locking food in my car boot because he was able to access anywhere else, he would go through punnets of tomatoes and punnets of strawberries, pull out cold frozen food from the freezer and eat that. But this would be at night and then we ended up with bedwetting as well.

And gaining weight is a real struggle. Gained a kilo, no, yeah a kilo in a week, but that’s like a constant reminder, he could get a kilo every day if he chose to, but like he’s gone today to work, he would have walked about half a mile, maybe, but he would’ve power walked it, and he carries extra stuff with him, breakfast would have been nothing. I tend to get him Fortisips and things, supplements now to take to school instead of milk, because I know he won’t have it, so at least I know he’s getting 300 calories. Real struggle, and even at night we eat a meal, and it has to be, although we’re supposed to eat at a quarter to eight, we never start eating until 8 o’clock, three measly potatoes, I mean they’re just like 3 golf balls, the sweet, for the last 2 or 3 weeks Mueller Light has been his kind of like the protein source with a small bit of cabbage or broccoli. And that’s his dinner, it’s like, and if I say anything he gets very, very aggressive, I think 5 years down and I’m getting to a stage why I can’t be bothered anymore.  

It’s like someone took the blacked glasses off and all of a sudden I could notice everything, and, you know, I’d look in the mirror and everything was not just a bit big, it was ginormous. And I just remember being petrified one day, I was getting dressed and I was petrified, I remember looking in the mirror and just thinking, “Oh my God, what’ve I done? What’s happened? How did I let myself get like this?” And I remember going to school that day, and all my friends like, “What’s the matter, you’re really quiet today, you’re really quiet?” And I just couldn’t look them in the eye because, and when I was looking at them, I wasn’t looking at them I was looking at their bodies and looking at everyone’s bodies and looking at, all the girls with the guys and, looking at my teachers. I remember looking at my teachers and thinking, “Oh God I’m even bigger than my teachers.” And, everything just became so noticeable to such, on such a big scale, it was like I just wanted to stay in the house, and never ever leave, but obviously I couldn’t. And I just think since then I’ve always been like that, I just think I’ve always just kind of noticed everything.

 

And I’ll look at everything like strangers, I’ll be on the bus and somebody’ll be holding onto the banister thing and I’ll notice their wrists are smaller than mine, and it’s just really literally if you could hear what went off in my head on a daily basis you’d think I was nuts, but yeah, and it just kind of got worse and worse and worse, but it just became so normal for me to notice those things, my eating would also adapt to that so, I’d go from eating huge meals to… this was like when I was at home, the same meal portion but just noticing everything, like every spoonful I’d take I’d be trying to estimate how much calories was in it. And you know when Mum was cooking and I was watching her cook, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s about 10 calories, yeah that’s about 100, that’s about…” you know, I’d be noticing everything, and I’d notice what other people were eating, and I’d sit there thinking,”How are you eating that and not thinking about your calorie intake and your fat intake?” and all that stuff. So I think it was just that I couldn’t, like even though, but because that’s how we ate at home, even though I couldn’t really stop it because then my Mum would get suspicious and so I carried on eating the same way, but I just noticed it more, and I think if anything it just made me feel worse, and therefore the bulimia got worse. And that’s just kind of how it went on and on and on.

 

 

No. But everyone else was in my family, so it didn’t bother me that much. I’ve always kind of been a people-pleaser, and the people at school it had gone past the point where, like I wasn’t being bullied, and I’d made friends and it didn’t bother anyone so, it never bothered me. And then at home it was the same, it, it never caused any problem and no-one said anything so it never bothered me. And even though I wasn’t exactly happy, because no-one else was being made upset by it all - like it didn’t seem to be affecting them - it didn’t kind of make me want to do much about it,

I think for a person to be overweight and obese nine times out of ten it is probably not a genetic thing it is probably an emotional kind. I think it should be treated in the same way as anorexia is treated, it is an emotional disorder causing physical damage, and I know that the two are very different things but I think that you have got to be emotionally stressed or upset in order to have this kind of obsession with food, because at the end of the day if you are that overweight you, like I had an obsession with food and a lot of people do have an obsession with food, you know, that like either they won’t eat it or they eat too much of it, you know, so I think it should be treated in the same way anorexia is treated. It is an emotional disorder, and I think most of the time, you know, like people that are overweight or obese they don’t, it is not sympathy that they are after, it is just the kind of guidance that, “Okay it is alright we can handle it.” You know like instead of it is your own choice that this, it is what you have done that has caused this, you know, but like anorexic people they, they get support and, you know, and whereas being overweight it is kind of a negative thing and it is a criticism of you, you know which, again it’s not necessarily all doctors but I think it should be treated as an emotional disorder because, you know, it is not just a physical thing that you overeat there is obviously something in your mind that is making you overeat.

I very much will continue with my ‘men get eating disorders too’ campaign, you know, I’ve set up the web site and do lots of media and press stuff to try and raise the awareness of the issue of male eating disorders because there is very little out there. If not hardly anything really, for men with eating disorders, so that’s something I’m very much trying to continue and sustain in the future.