Chloe - Interview 15

Age at interview: 25

Age at diagnosis: 19

Brief Outline: Anxiety and depression have been closely intertwined for Chloe, beginning in her early teens. By the age of 15 she was self-harming and had developed bulimia, at 16 she attempted suicide, and in the last two years of high school was self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, before attempting suicide again at 18. Soon after this she met her current partner, and was then able to link in to good professional support. A long journey through different therapies followed, but Chloe is now in recovery.

Background: Chloe works at a youth homelessness agency. She lives with her partner of six years. Ethnic background' European.

More about me...

Chloe describes her childhood as ‘not the best’, however as she moved into her adolescence her personal struggles magnified. Struggling with anxiety, depression and an eating disorder, Chloe attempted suicide for the first time when she was 16. This experience was perceived as an attention-seeking exercise by her family who refused to acknowledge it. At the hospital that treated her after her attempt, Chloe saw a psychologist a couple of times, but then stopped as felt intimidated by him. She felt largely isolated in high school and, apart from talking to a close friend about her feelings and suicide attempt, did not divulge this information to anyone else.

 

While to others Chloe seemed to be a loud, funny person, she privately struggled with her same sex attraction to women, as well as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and an eating disorder. At around 17 or 18, Chloe began drinking heavily, taking drugs and self-harming. Homophobia within her family, school and workplace played a central role in her struggle with her sexuality. She remembers sexuality being discussed only once in high school with no reference to same sex attraction, while anxiety and depression were not mentioned at all.

 

Chloe moved out of home as soon as she was able to, but her drinking, drug-taking and disordered eating continued. Despite feeling ‘miserable’ at this time and attempting suicide again, Chloe started living with her same sex partner with whom she has been with for the past six years. For the first time she was able to speak to someone about how she was feeling. Her partner helped Chloe to do basic things such as eating and washing, which she was unable to do herself. Chloe’s partner also urged her to see a doctor, which she did and was referred to counsellor through a specialist service. This led to her being diagnosed with anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. The labels were initially confronting but ultimately helpful for Chloe as she found they aided her when seeking help and accessing particular services. Through her experiences Chloe has encountered many different psychiatrists and psychologists and experimented with different types of medication. 

 

While Chloe’s experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists have occasionally left her feeling worse, she has made progress with those mental health professionals she was able to relate to. With their support, Chloe has been able to begin exercising, eat better, and resume full time work, overcoming her struggle with anxiety, depression and her eating disorder. Chloe never sought direct help for her eating disorder, which she believes ‘was about needing to feel in control’, and overcame this on her own. While she experienced a relapse following some surgery which reduced her mobility, Chloe has been in recovery for approximately two years. She is currently seeing a psychiatrist whom she believes is helpful and is taking citalopram at a dosage that works well for her. 

 

Chloe first attempted suicide at the age of 16, but it was never discussed in her family, who...

As soon as I hit Year 7, Year 8, it just kind of blew up into this mass, like, anxiety and depression. 

 

And my self esteem plummeted and all of a sudden I was like fat, hideous, a loser, just, you know, I didn’t think too much of myself, and - so I was about 14 when I really started getting quite depressed. And I got symptoms like self harming and kind of like suicidal thoughts and it was - and - when I was about 15, I developed an eating disorder to try and - I don’t know. I guess I wanted to feel better about the way I looked and just - I’m not too sure. 

 

And on my 16th birthday, I attempted suicide for the first time and I was in Year 10. And, no one knew, like, at school because mental illness wasn’t mentioned at school so it would – if you went - if anyone knew about that I would be like an outcast and people would spread rumours about me. And my family had this whole persp - perspective that it was more of like an attention seeking thing and that I didn’t mean to do it, and. My Mum basically just said, ‘Don’t do it again!’. And, ‘You’re fine; be a good girl,’ or whatever.

 

And I saw a psychologist twice after that through the hospital and he was really intimidating so I didn’t go back to see him. And from there on it went kind of a lot worse, I guess, because I’d reached a really low point; possibly the lowest you could get and because it wasn’t addressed then, it just went downhill, and Years 11 and 12, it was like I got into the drinking and the drug taking and really badly self harming and just a bad eating disorder. 

 

And I kind of, I was really happy though, like to people, like I had this really great mask on so at school I was actually like the class clown. Like, it was ridiculous; like I was the, the loudest, funniest kind of, you know - I partied the most and it was just funny because I’d go home and I wouldn’t sleep at night and I was just so depressed but no one knew about it, like not even my family.

 

Chloe suggested seeing a doctor as the first point of call.

Best advice is to see a doctor [laughs]. Just to yeah make an appointment with like a doctor; either one that you’ve seen before so that you know them or just - I mean you might not get the right doctor first but just keep persevering until you find one that you can talk to about what’s going on. And hopefully they will refer you in the right directions. And also, equally as important is just to open up and talk about it with someone, like even a phone helpline. Just that initial getting it off your chest, it doesn’t matter who to, just people really underestimate how powerful that is. And I think that’s really important - to just talk about it, yeah. 

Chloe found psychiatrists too cold and clinical

Well I’ve been through a lot of [laughs], a lot of psychologists and a few psychiatrists. From my experience with psychiatrists, most of the ones I’ve seen are very cold and clinical and they kind of are - almost judgmental, is the vibe they gave me. So like I think I saw one psychiatrist actually who was just so like cold and she didn’t smile and she just, was very intrusive and treated me like not like an equal almost. I actual left feeling 100 times worse than when I walked in which was scary because I went in to talked about depression and I walked out being more depressed like, oh my God. She made me feel really horrible. And after that, I swore I’d never see another psychiatrist. But psychologists - a bit hit and miss. Like I’ve had a few where they’ve been a bit similar, like a bit intimidating and then but the other ones I’ve seen have been really good; like just really good to talk to, and yeah.

Chloe compared two workplaces, one unsupportive and homophobic and the other supportive and how these opposite attitudes made a difference to the way she felt about herself.

There’s a lot [laughs] I could add to my story. I wouldn’t mind mentioning… mental health in the workplace. That’s. In my, when I got my first full time job, it was in like a big kind of corporate office. And I had really bad anxiety and depression but and I came out to my workplace as being gay, like because I had a partner and obviously they’d just find out. And then there was a bit of homophobia afterwards unfortunately and then I was already anxious and that made me extr – like even more anxious.

 

And I brought it up with, one of my managers and they responded in a really bad way, which was really unfortunate. And that made me realise that mental health in the workplace is probably - like needs to be addressed.

 

They were just kind of like, - almost like you shouldn’t bring that to work kind of, you know - we pay you to look happy [laughs] and greet our clients and you know yeah, it was more like that. 

 

So your work environment is clearly markedly different now?

 

So you feel comfortable talking about yourself and your situation and who you are in this new environment?

 

Oh definitely yeah. Well I work in a youth homelessness agency. I actually run a support group every week for same sex attracted young people and we always talk about mental health issues, and just. It’s a really great space for them especially considering the majority of them are homeless or like at risk of homelessness. So it’s just a great space for them to connect with other people because they’re, they’re quite isolated. And we always talk about mental health and yeah, mental health in our workplace is just - because our, most of our clients have mental health issues, it’s just, it’s common; it’s day to day basis. It’s yeah, [nods] a really, really great environment to work in. 

 

Chloe talked about her experiences of living through phases of depression and recovery and what...

Yeah then I just started working full time and yeah I’ve been in recovery for the last couple of years. It’s been like - I’ve been doing really well and at the moment I’m seeing a really great psychologist and a psychiatrist and on some really good medication that I found really helped after I tried like I don’t know how many [laughs] different medications I’ve tried. 

 

And yeah so things are finally [laughs], are finally doing well [laughs], 10 years down the track but yeah, it’s been a really long process, so, that’s…

 

I think recovery begins the day you decide that you don’t want to live like that anymore. It’s making that first decision to change the way your life is and the way it could possibly end up. And then from then on, it’s seeking support from whether it be friends, family, doctors, health professionals. For, for me, support from my partner was the most important aspect. Just having someone to talk to is really important otherwise you just keep it inside and no one, you know, will ever know about it. And it kind of yeah gets all bottled up, and then. Yeah recovery, yeah is just taking positive steps. You know they can be really slow. Like it can take years - it could take months to years to recover, you know, and I’m not sure whether you can fully be recovered. Like you know there’s always a chance of relapsing. Like for me I was – [laughs] I had some really bad health problems a couple of years ago and I had to have some surgeries and stuff. 

 

 

And then I was diagnosed with just chronic pelvic pain so I had like really severe chronic pain where I couldn’t walk or work. You know, and this was after I started working and it was all going really well and then I just got really sick which I think could’ve been from all the stress. And just sitting there with all this pain thinking, ‘I can’t do all those things that I really like doing, like you know hiking and cycling and stuff anymore’. And then I relapsed straight away into depression because my quality of life went way down and I’d worked so hard to get it up there.

 

And then you know it happened so quickly. I just went down again but luckily, because I’d been through it before, I kind of knew which supports to go to and what works best for me, and yeah, I made it through so I’m still managing the pain side of it as well and then all the other mental stuff, so yeah. 

 

Chloe remembered feeling better after she could name her distress

Well… it’s hard to remember. I guess… in a way it did make me feel a little bit better because all those things that I’d been experiencing were caused by something and that was comforting. But then you know, you go through the whole, ‘What’s wrong with me? Why do I have this? Why don’t they have this?’ And then, then yeah. But , it was good because then you had a label for it so when you were like seeking help or looking for a service provider or another doctor you could say, you know, ‘I need help with depression,’ rather than, ‘Oh this is going on; I don’t know what it is’, and yeah. So it was good in a way. Yeah, it was good.