Ada
Ada got Covid in early 2020 and began showing signs of Long Covid, which she thinks were exacerbated after getting her vaccine in June 2021. Each time she has had a vaccine, her symptoms get worse. Ada feels as if she is ‘a completely different person’ and has struggled mentally with the change. She’s no longer able to be as involved in her children’s lives or as active in her community. However, she feels that Ramadan has helped her to heal mentally, and she is trying to focus on what she can do now rather than what she used to be able to do. Ada was interviewed in May 2022.
Ada and her husband have three young children (A ten-year-old daughter and two boys). Her husband is a tutor and Ada looks after their children and is heavily involved in her community. They live together with her husband’s parents. Ethnicity: British Pakistani.
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Ada caught Covid in early 2020. Ada suspects that her Long Covid “symptoms were exacerbated” after she had the vaccine in June 2021, because catching “Covid itself had drained me.” Ada’s family members all bounced back within ten days to two weeks, but she did not. She feels that “quite instantly” after having the vaccine she started feeling extremely lethargic, suffering migraines and losing her appetite. She says that the most significant change was her peers and friends at the gym and her personal trainer noticing that she was struggling. Ada felt that this was probably due to Covid “taking a toll.”
Ada was also getting some shoulder pain and assumed that she’d pulled a muscle from too much housework during lockdown. After she had spoken to a doctor about Covid, however, Ada was told by the doctor that “lots of patients” had been mentioning shoulder pain or chest pain, and as a result Ada decided it was probably down to that and to wait a while to recover. The shoulder pain kept on, however, as did the feeling of being, “completely lethargic and losing interest.”
On advice, and her own judgement, she went for a booster jab a few months later, following which her symptoms “only got worse.” She had another booster vaccine in January of the following year, which she feels left her “with a lot of pain in my knees, in my joints, my ankles and my back.” She says she cannot even go for a walk due to experiencing an immense amount of pain in her knees. Ada describes needing to call an ambulance after one booster jab, after suffering possible heart attack or blood clot symptoms. She says, “I feel bad having to call the paramedics, knowing what’s going on. But then at the end of the day, I don’t ever want to neglect it.”
She made another appointment with her GP, and when the nurse asked her how her life had changed since having Covid, Ada broke down and said that it’s “just as if I’m a completely different person.” The nurse was very understanding and told Ada that she was “not alone, there’s lots of people struggling.” Ada found this helpful and felt some reassurance and relief at hearing these words from a health professional. The nurse also pointed Ada towards information about chronic fatigue and Long Covid.
Ada describes herself as a person who had “no medical problems on paper” and says that in life she’s generally been “the last one to get ill” amongst her family and friends. She has always “mustered through” illness, but now after Covid it’s like she can now “feel every ache and pain.” She has struggled with insomnia and has gained some weight. She feels depressed, anxious and “constantly worried” and it has been a horrible experience because she knows she shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
Ada comes from a large Muslim family and was a well-known person in her community. Prior to catching Covid she was a very social person, organising social events and days out, and volunteering for things. She says, “I was always one of those people who would be at the forefront with the most energy.” However, now she has withdrawn from social gatherings and meetings, and she reports that her friends have told her that she “doesn’t look well.” At one stage Ada felt herself barely able to get out of bed, answer phone calls, or speak to or visit her parents. “I would just about greet my kids, give them their food, come back up[stairs].” Ada’s husband was left to watch the kids and run the house.
Ada’s children are concerned for her and don’t like to disturb her when she is resting or beg their mum to do things in case it’s “too much for her.” She feels doesn’t have as much energy for her children anymore, and feels she has “missed out so much,” when it comes to spending time with her children. Her in-laws – who live with them in a separate but connected flat – have helped hugely with looking after them. Ada feels extremely lucky to have such a supportive family and network of people around her.
Ada’s GP has told her that she has Long Covid, and she is medically registered as having it. Her GP also thinks that she may be depressed, and that Covid may have led her into the depression. Ada says that she was prescribed some antidepressants, but she did not take them; she says she was tempted but is happy she didn’t.
One thing that recently helped Ada heal mentally was Ramadan. She says it really helped her “anxiety abate.” She says that “just being able to go to the mosque and meditate and be there was amazing.” The family had quiet and relaxed Eid celebrations this year compared with previous years, but this still left her feeling exhausted.
Ada says that she despises the words “Long Covid” because she “doesn’t know what they mean. It’s like this dark hole. You’re saying something that is so alien to me.” Ada says that she is only very recently just “beginning to find” herself again, some months after her last booster jab. She says that Ramadan helped uplift her mood, and that her going to prayer at the mosque on the morning of the interview gave her enough boost to be able to do this interview with the researcher. She has also recently been to the gym with a friend and is not going to look back at what she used to be able to physically do but focus on what she can do now.
Ada found it sad and frustrating that she has lost the capacity to cook a proper meal for her wider family. Her mother-in-law has taken over the cooking for their weekly family meals.
Ada found it sad and frustrating that she has lost the capacity to cook a proper meal for her wider family. Her mother-in-law has taken over the cooking for their weekly family meals.
It’s really sad, because that’s what the, that’s not the people or the person I am now that I was back then would always be up for like hosting and tea and coffee parties or whatever. It kind of made us feel we were. And now it just feels like no-one ever comes to the house. Don’t have the energy to go places. We’ll only go if it’s local within, you know, a certain distance. After so long, we were invited to a wedding over the summer and my, my mother-in-law was like, “You’ve, you’ve declined so many invites, it might be good for you. It might be good for you.” I kid you not just trying to put my dress on, and you know, get ready. I just went and I thought, I want to come right back out. And I felt horrible, because so many people like we’ve not seen you. And we want to talk to you. I was like, “Just don’t want to be here.” And that’s family and close friends, you know. You think, God, if I can’t do this then oh dear.
We used to go on family walks. We used to do once a week we used to do family dinners. I say that, I did with in-laws. We kind of kind of live separately, but within one house. So, we are very independent, and I do my own, you know, everyday tasks and do what I need to and so does my in-laws. But once a week, we try and make a proper effort and the day my husband has off where we had family meals and then we’ll watch a documentary or play games. And that was lovely to kind of do that. But the way I was feeling, I couldn't even do that. I physically couldn't even think that okay, I need to make something extra. I need to work out, it needs to be on time. Let me just, you know, let’s just sit together as a family. That you would think is an everyday thing, right? Couldn't do it. Just didn't have the physical or mental ability to do it at the point where, I remember once there had been weeks and my husband said, “I’ll help you. We’ll do this together.”
Bless him, he really went over and beyond and tried to ask me where do things go? I guess the house. It was a huge thing for him, bless him. He got the kids to tidy, and I remember having a meltdown and he was like, “What’s wrong?” And I said, “I’ve lost so much of myself. It’s horrible. I don’t recognise myself.” I should find enjoyment in these things. Just putting a, it’s not even someone—it was literally from downstairs they were coming upstairs. And I said, “It’s like a baby step.” But it’s like I’d have breakdowns. And even to the point where my mother-in-law would see and say, “Honestly, there’s just no stress. There is no stress on you.” And I was like, “It’s not about on whether I find it stressful. It’s like this is something basic. If I’m cooking for five, I can cook for another two. Come on, that’s not rocket science.” If I’m unable to do that, I’m in a very, very scary place. So, yeah, that was horrible, absolutely horrible.
Then, can’t remember the last time we actually had a proper, proper family dinner. Yes, my mother-in-law’s been doing it. She’s been, she’s been cooking for the past few. And that guilt comes in, you know, where you think, I’m younger and I’ve got the energy and I should be able to do this and you’re much older than me and you’re putting this dress together and listen to the kids and make the noise and what have you. But I, I’m very, very lucky that I can be honest, and I can be, I can just say to her, “I don’t have the energy for it.” Or she’ll, bless her, she’ll just have to look at me and she’ll understand that right, is just not, not feeling it, so she wouldn't say anything. But it’s really upsetting because that’s one thing my husband really looks forward to. We don’t really sit together and have a family meal because of his work dynamic. So, that once a week well, again, not much to ask. He really looks forward to it, but it ends up being, I’m exerted and I’m really emotional. He just sometimes thinks, ‘I only ask for dinner. That’s not much.’ [Laughs]. But instantly, it, it, it’s too much for just that. Yeah, it’s scary, it’s scary how you think what is this? It’s not like I’m asking someone to run the marathon or anything. It, it’s horrible.
Ada feels like she has missed out on her children’s development.
Ada feels like she has missed out on her children’s development.
Obviously, I’m their mum. I’m their carer. If I wasn’t doing a good job, I want the people to you know, to help me. But thankfully, thankfully, I’m really lucky that I have that love and support and care and my children’s wellness is my number one priority and it’s not been affected as such. But I don’t have that energy for my children all the time and that’s an effect, that’s a huge effect. Now I’ve missed out immensely and I want to look at home more than I look at outside. We have a park just literally just two doors down and my kids are like we go to the park and there’ll be days when I’m like, I don’t have the energy for it. I don’t have a migraine then I have a backache and it’s not a backache then I have this. So can’t—and, and that’s me scary. If I can’t go two doors down and the park, literally I can see it from my garden then, you know, then yeah, that’s just not, it’s horrible.
Oh yes. Oh, I’ve heard it over conversation amongst themselves. We didn't disturb you because you know, you are resting. Mummy we didn't ask you for this because, because we know you might be tired. That’s not a conversation your children should be having with their mum like I mentioned. Yes, if I was mentally or medically exempt from anything and I said, yes, I have a condition that, that children and family would come round and go, okay, my mum suffers from x, y, z. But, no, but the kids, the kids are often like, oh, mummy, we didn't come and do this because you might be resting or you might be tired or yeah, it’s okay, we won’t you know, beg momma too much to take us up north to meet our cousins because it’s too much for her. I’m thinking, ‘Yeah that’s bless them. They’re lovely kids and they’re children are children and they just make, you know, make anything play, really with also with lockdown right.’
Yeah, and my husband tries to take them for walks on bikes and what have you. But only, I think yesterday that I actually finally took my, my daughter on her bike. I missed out so much. I didn't know she could go as far and as confident and the routes. I didn't know she knew all of that. So, I felt, that’s a lot of, that’s a big thing I’ve missed out on being able to know how confident they are outside because I just pretty much see them in and out of class. Yes, I am very lucky that I live with in-laws and they are a huge amount of help and my children are really happy. But I’m their mum. I want to be their mum. I want that. I want that mentally and physically be there for them. I don’t want to have to think going up to the park is a huge task for me. I don’t want to have to say, oh you know, let’s just pack a picnic and do something last minute, that’s going to cause me so much anxiety because I think just making a picnic doesn't exert me. I would pick the kids up. I would go to parks, put them to bed and then go and meet a friend. I have that. I used to have that. I no longer do.
Ada used to fully immerse herself in her community activities, but no longer feels she can contribute as much.
Ada used to fully immerse herself in her community activities, but no longer feels she can contribute as much.
So, me as a character, I come from a large family. When I married and came into [city], I was instantly introduced to a lot of women and families I was always sociable. If I wasn’t doing a bake-off then I was org, organising mother and toddlers. If I wasn’t doing that then I was already doing home schoolers. You know, we were all organising sports and days out. If we wasn’t doing that there was always something going on. In my own personal life with my family being married and organising this and that. And again, I was always one of those people who would be at the forefront with the most energy, rock up, turn up, organise, do a lot, I would exert myself, but that’s something I found a lot of pride in. But, you know, rewind back two years and I, of course, also bear in mind lockdown which, which affected everyone.
I lost myself. I’m no longer that person who had that drive and energy to think, to fulfil. Even just last week, I said to my sister, I really want to come and meet you up north and she said, “Oh, don’t, don’t put yourself out.” And I’d think, ‘Oh god, she’s right. She’s right.’ I can’t even have a couple of hour’s drive down because she’ll know I’ll just be completely out of it and won’t be able to do anything. And I thought, ‘God, how sad is that? How sad is that that I can’t, I can’t even do it.’ In my head, I want to because yes, in, in my head I’m the same [name]. But physically, I’m unable to do it. I can just about manage an hour’s drive down which I’d get there to my mums and I’d require a nap, some peace time then get up and go forward. But again, when you speak to your doctor, your doctor doesn't, you know, medical exempt you from you suffer from x, y, z, therefore you require. I don’t take any medications. I don’t have any medical exempt certificate or form. None of it.
In my head, I’m a healthy, young woman, but I have no energy. So, I missed that quite a lot. I missed on a lot of gatherings and meet ups and organising things and a lot of big chunks of myself because that was who I was. I was a very community led person. Volunteering, do you need me on there? I’ll do things and that’s just resorted to me pretty much do my bare essentials. I pick and drop my kids. I try to spend the time I can with them. And outside of that, I don’t do anything which in itself can lead to depression and, and anxiety and an awful place to be in it’s not very nice. And it’s affected my relationship with my children. And I would say, I don’t know if it’s, mum, mum guilt. They seem to be excellent lovely, lovely children. I often, you know, get told, the kids are well behaved. They were lovely. They were mingling. I don’t see any negative impact on your children.