Experiences of Covid-19 and Intensive Care

One of the other things I wanted to share, which was very, very supportive to us was that during the second week, one of our…so we’re Jewish and our friends helped us organise that on zoom we met every day at 5 o'clock and said psalms of healing which are traditional prayers that you say when somebody is unwell and members of our community, volunteered to do this every day at 5 o'clock and also because we’re a family that’s dispersed all over the place, it meant that we could be together with my husband’s family and friends.

So, every day at 5 o'clock, from the middle of the second week, for 50 days, it was about 50 days, we had about 100 people who came every day onto zoom, it was only 20 minutes or half an hour but every day, my mother-in-law would be there and see her grandchildren and see her children and it was a way of being together while being so far apart. It was a way…there was no information shared on that, it wasn’t about updating people or giving anybody any medical information, it was just about being together and the friends who did the psalms sing beautifully [recording cuts out] …people waiting together in a sense, for him to wake up and for us to know.

For me it was a huge support because it was something I had to do every day, I didn’t always put my camera on, but I was always there and the kids came…my kids always came for a little bit, they didn’t stay for the whole thing, but they always came for a little bit because I think it gave us all a little bit of structure, of something that connected us to other people who we knew loved him and were worried about him.

Yes, that’s beautiful, so you did that throughout the time he was in ICU?

Yes, we did it every day from the second week until he came off the ventilator, we did it, the last one we did…I knew that once he was awake, I felt like it wasn’t necessary anymore.

There’s two ways of going through this, where you go and hide under the covers and you don’t get up for days. But then I had a house to run, I had a son to feed, I had a dog to walk and feed. So, it was like I got myself back into my routine and obviously just waiting on calls. I did a lot of sewing. Did some sewing, that sort of thing, crocheting. So, I did keep my mind occupied a bit. But yeah, I suppose it’s hard but, you know, having friends around that I spoke to and keeping it open, being open with people, I think was a big thing. And sort of, my sisters were phoning every day. And I’ve got a brother and he did actually come down. Although he was not allowed, not supposed to, but he did on that Friday night. He came down here, so...

This was when Vic had just gone in.

No, this was the...what Rob calls Black Friday. That Friday he came down, because he was devastated as well, with the news. So, he came down. I said don’t come down. I said you’re not allowed. No, I’m coming. And he came and we just all sat in socially distanced chairs.

Strange times, huh?

Yeah. Because I didn’t...it’s like he wanted to get hold of me and hug me and I’m going you can’t, you can’t. You can’t do that. And it’s really hard, 'cause it’s your...it’s my brother, so... That was hard.

In terms of support, it would be really useful to know that families can go somewhere, talk to someone about their experiences, without that being contingent on the person who was unwell, ‘cause that’s the other thing as well, I know that there are local support groups that [name husband] is going to access, and that families can access them to, but that’s contingent on him being there. And actually, I don’t want him to know how I feel. Because I don’t want to re-traumatise him, I don’t know how my reaction to it, part of the reason he’s okay, is ‘cause he doesn’t know how visceral that reaction was when he was in hospital, and that’s important because I don’t, yeah. So, something independent of the patient, a recognition, oh, I don’t want a lot, do I? But recognition from local providers that families go through this. And I know that people went through a lot worse. There’s somebody at work whose husband was in Intensive Care for three months. Three months, and was tubed for like, probably about two thirds of that. And I can’t even begin to imagine what she was going through. My husband was in Intensive Care, for probably about four or five days, that’s nothing in comparison, but that doesn’t diminish how traumatising that was. Yeah. It’s almost like there’s a scale of it. People think, well, he was only there for so and so, you can’t feel that bad. Actually it was dreadful.

I also joined a Facebook group, where they were dealing with Covid. I think that might be, so the Covid Survivors’ Group, so then that, I would, on there, I’d be like, okay, this is the situation, has anyone else been in this situation, what happened to you? And that was really great peace of mind, because people were like, yes, this is what happened, and this is what happened, and this is where I was, but this is where I am now. So, that was really nice, to be able to find out. And then I remember a girl, I think she was asking about her dad, and, you know, I would respond, because you know the pain that they’re going through, and so anyone that was in that situation you would want to try and help and reassure them that this is similar to what happened to my dad, but he’s okay in the end. Obviously, not everyone does make it through, but I think it does give you that peace of mind.

Yes, so that was quite helpful then, to hear from others?

Yes, definitely. I think being able to communicate with other people that were going through the same thing, or that had been through the same thing, and to get that kind of hope was great.

At work they offered me support from occupational health, but I didn’t take them up on it because the hospital I work at is an hour’s drive away and I was far too busy to, to actually do things like that. But I did get, I did get a lot of support from family and friends and from the staff in intensive care as well they were, you know, I would stay and, I built quite a rapport with them and I would stay and chat with them and sort of tell them how I felt on occasions but I think the way that I am as well I’m, I have to sort things out in my own head as well Peter will tell you he calls me motor mouth sometimes because if I’ve got a problem I just talk and talk and talk about it I’m not always bothered about somebody listening I just need to talk it through so that I can work things out in my own head. But it’s not that the support wasn’t necessarily there it’s just that I just felt that the, the support mechanisms that I had whether it was self-support or whether it was from sort of family and friends was enough, was enough for me. But I dare say that if I just needed or wanted more that it would have been available. But as I said I was offered support from Occupational Health at work but it, it would have been more stressful for me actually getting, travelling that distance and taking the time out because I was literally looking after seven horses during, in the midst of winter, took me at least half the day, so making arrangements to actually go somewhere else to get help would have actually caused me more stress. But yeah, I feel that if I hadn’t been such a tough stable person ordinarily, I think I may have, would have needed more help but I was fine, fine as I could be, nobody, unless somebody would have been able to wave a magic wand and make everything right, you know I don’t think any amount of sort of emotional, in terms of talking would have really made me any better.

And after about, I suppose, four months, she needed less of my support and, you know, I had a goal in my mind to give her, her independence as quickly as possible and, you know, I wanted her to do whatever she wanted to do for herself, but then it left a void for me. Because suddenly after all these months of intense worrying about whether she was going to live or die and then months of intense care of looking after her, and then suddenly she was able to do things for herself. And that left a void in my mind, and I became very depressed, you know. It was like all the air going out of a balloon, I guess, you could say. And of course, I’d given up work, I decided to retire early. You know, it wasn’t the right time, but I decided to because financially we lost so much the previous year, it was very difficult. We lost everything and I couldn’t get any support because I was a limited company. So, there was no furlough or anything. But anyway. But I was very depressed for about six to eight weeks.

I didn’t speak to the doctor or anything, but I found it very difficult within myself now that I suddenly had some time to myself. I was lost. And then I became angry and frustrated with people because I felt that we got through this Covid and, you know, we survived it, but I felt that people around us were becoming lackadaisical with it all again and not focusing on the problem of the ill-; Because in my mind, I knew it would never go away because I knew... Because it’s a virus, it’s always going to mutate. I know that much, you know, and it would always be a threat for years to come until medication can deal with it, you know, like we do the flu now.

And I just get... I was getting angry with my children the grandchildren and they were just sort of... It’s like nothing had happened, you know. I always felt people were behaving as nothing had happened, you know, and I couldn’t cope with it. I couldn’t cope with it because I’d put so much in to, you know, trying to get Veronica back and other people were getting on with their lives and I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.

You know, it was really, really hard. And I still feel like it today quite a lot. It’s intense inside me. I worry about it every day and I see people out on the streets and in shops and no one’s got a mask on, or no one puts any gel on their hands when they enter a premises or anything and I just feel so angry, you know. I don’t want to feel like that because I’m not an angry person. My strength is for being so placid and calm, you know, but this has changed me completely.