Interview 30
Age at interview: 55
Brief Outline: Was admitted to intensive care in 2005 because of epiglottitis and severe sepsis. Spent about 6 days in intensive care and 5 days in a High Dependency Unit.
Background: Occupation: bank officer. Marital status: married. Number of children: 3. Ethnic background: White British.
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She had nightmares when she first came home that drew on things she'd vaguely seen or heard in...
She had nightmares when she first came home that drew on things she'd vaguely seen or heard in...
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And not long after I was hearing all this, there was another young woman who had a cone-shaped head, and it was cone-shaped with these white bandages curled right up, completely cone-shaped, who had little glasses and shuffled. And I just, from that point onwards that was my nightmare. My nightmare consisted of brain-injured people, where this cone would lift off like a hat and there would be half a brain. So it had everything to do with what this girl was screaming about. It wasn't the same person. I know that, absolutely. This girl was screaming about and saying that she had half a brain, and she'd been in an accident. And this girl with the cone, that, now I happen to know that she actually, this girl who thought that she had half a brain, she'd had her tonsils out, and this was the pure effect of coming out of the anaesthesia. Yes. Because I got so upset and worried about her. And the girl with the cone head, well, it was made more so because she in actual fact suffered from Down syndrome, which made, she already had a shape that sort of was familiar with that. But she had a problem with her ear and had had some surgery on her ear. But they had somehow or other bundled her hair so that her hair came out of the top of this cone of bandages. But even after I knew that, that image, that was my nightmare.
Did you have nightmares when you came home as well?
That was when, that was when I came home.
For how long? Did they go away gradually?
I would say that that lasted three weeks, before I got a proper, what I call a settled night's sleep, where I slept through without waking up, without waking up because of a dream, because of a nightmare.
She didn't feel ill or have pain but a serious throat infection and sepsis caused her breathing...
She didn't feel ill or have pain but a serious throat infection and sepsis caused her breathing...
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And he did take photographs and he showed them to me and he said, "That's your throat." He said, "This, that little black dot there, that's your airway." He said, "This is closing up. I think you've got epiglottitis. I need to speak to my consultant." So he went and spoke to his consultant.
But it was obviously far worse than that and it was obviously far more overwhelming. And I mean subsequently I know that I had two things. I had this infection of the throat, which had closed up my airway, but I had sepsis as well. And my bloodstream and my organs were being affected by this enormous infection that I had in my bloodstream. But I didn't feel ill in what I would have thought that I would have felt [laughs]. I didn't have any pain, I didn't feel any pain. I didn't feel ill as such.
She stayed awake for four nights because she hallucinated whenever she tried to sleep, and felt...
She stayed awake for four nights because she hallucinated whenever she tried to sleep, and felt...
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I decided that, for two reasons. One, because particularly at night there was nobody there, or nobody I could see, you know. So I felt uncared for. So therefore I decided that I would therefore have to care for myself. And the only way that I could care for myself was by being awake and knowing what was happening. The second reason was that every time I closed my eyes I had this hallucination of this coming up, which was just too real.
She was unable to move or talk and felt isolated and powerless.
She was unable to move or talk and felt isolated and powerless.
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She would have liked more conversation and explanation from the nurses to ease her feelings of...
She would have liked more conversation and explanation from the nurses to ease her feelings of...
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So things, you know, if they had actually explained what's around you, what's going on and talked to you, it would be great. But there was very little conversation at all. I could, you know, out of all the nurses that were involved, which I subsequently know were involved, there was probably two of them that stand out as being vastly different from the others.
She felt that nurses were desensitised and uncaring when they put monitoring technical equipment...
She felt that nurses were desensitised and uncaring when they put monitoring technical equipment...
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Intensive Care, you've got highly specialist nurses. They're highly trained, everything that they do, all of your things are monitored and fed into a computer, and they have to respond to the computer and so on. And they're actually becoming dehumanised. And I can understand how that occurs and not everybody can be total perfection.
But to some extent, what they need to do is to supplement that. Some of the people who nurse in Intensive, it must take a particular type of person and personality because things need to be more precise, more technical. And you can't be all things to all people. So your physical needs are very well taken care of. Of that, you know, I haven't got any anxiety as far as the Intensive Care Unit at my hospital is concerned.
And I don't think in a way that you're going to be able to alter the behaviour of the nursing staff there to a huge degree. You can nudge them and say, "Have a go. Try." So I think this is an area where they need to look far more at nursing assistants. And some of the nursing assistants in there were really quite rude. They'd actually supposed to be sitting watching you, they'd sit on a seat. But they'd sit within a foot of you and turn their back on you because they were wanting to watch what wonderful emergency activity was going on in the room that had taken the nurse away.
And that's what I found that they didn't, they'd also become, I don't know what they'd become. They weren't nurses. They weren't cleaners. They were some kind of orderlies, that could actually have picked up on some of the niceness, the caringness that was needed, that was lacking.
She found the nursing care she received one of the most upsetting parts of her hospital experience.
She found the nursing care she received one of the most upsetting parts of her hospital experience.
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And at the end of the bed you had the usual sort of table, which comes over the top of the bed, and this was full of stuff. And she said, "Do you mind, you know, I'm not supposed to do this, but do you mind if I put this file or this folder?" She said, "I know I'm not supposed to do that, not supposed to put it on the patient's, end of the patient's bed. But if you don't mind." I said, "No, no, no, that's fine. You go ahead." So perched on the slightly sort of wide-ish end to my special electric bed was this blue folder, hardback folder, a ring binder is probably really what it was. And then she sat down on the side of the bed and started talking to me. And I got to the bit with her where I said, "One of the things that I really, really found annoying, that really caused me distress was, if I said something, that I wasn't believed. I said, "It's like saying to you, if I say this to you right now, your folder has fallen off the end of my bed on to my feet, and it's quite sore." And she went, "Yes, right." And I said, "Your folder has fallen off the end of the bed. And it's quite sore. It's on top of my feet." And she still looked at me, and I said, "Do you see what I mean? You would now, you don't believe me. But if you turn your head and look round you'll see what I'm telling you is the truth." And that's how far I had to go, that I was being interviewed to my experiences of being in Intensive Care. This was the one thing that really upset me the most. And I was still having the same problem.
And she looked at me, she went completely red, as she should have done. And she said, "I am so sorry." I said, "I'm sure you are now but I've demonstrated to you what I've gone through. And even you, tell me, even you didn't think you'd do that, did you?"
She found it hard to balance properly using a Zimmer frame but continued practising, determined...
She found it hard to balance properly using a Zimmer frame but continued practising, determined...
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But the worst thing was, is losing your balance. And you have this tendency to drop your head down, because your head's lost power and strength, your neck muscles have gone, so your head sort of wobbles around. But the major thing was, is that you have a tendency to look at your feet. And it was making yourself do what they told you to do, which is look straight ahead, to try and keep your head still, and then go for it, to get your balance back. And you just think to yourself, "This is ludicrous. I'm a relatively young woman. I feel like eighty." Maddening. But it was a question of getting out with it and doing it more than anything else. And by that evening she came back, she said, "Oh, God, you've improved so much, just even in a day. I'll try you with two sticks." And she said, "Steecks." Because she's from New Zealand, "I'll try you with two steecks." So I said, "Thank you very much." And it was quite fascinating. She had a nose ring and she had a thing in her tongue as well and dreadlocks, from New Zealand. She was good though, she was great fun. Got me on to a stick. And by the next afternoon I was going flat about eight yards, something like that. Because I was medically fit to leave, but I couldn't leave until I walked. And within I think two and a half days I walked, could walk the length of the corridor and had enough strength and enough balance to actually go up stairs.
Because I was, also required stairs, because my bedroom here is upstairs. And they said, you know, it was just remarkable. But it's amazing what you can do with determination. You just keep getting up and keep on going and keep practising, and you can do it.
She wished she'd been given her ICU diary sooner because she learnt so much from it.
She wished she'd been given her ICU diary sooner because she learnt so much from it.
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She wants to downsize and enjoy life more but worries about growing older.
She wants to downsize and enjoy life more but worries about growing older.
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Because of the experiences you've had?
And the fact that you lose control.
She lost a lot of confidence when she first went back to work because of the pace and precision...
She lost a lot of confidence when she first went back to work because of the pace and precision...
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And it was also, because I work with younger people, you're always having to make certain that you are as good, as fast, as quick and as responsive, as quickly as they are. And I didn't feel that I was. And I really wondered whether I'd be able ever, seriously ever to get back to that again. And I really lost huge confidence.