Rosie - Interview 06

Age at interview: 48

Age at diagnosis: 44

Brief Outline: Rosie first experienced depression in the early 1990s when soon after their divorce her ex-husband took their two sons away to live with him, without her consent. Although she was later able to re-establish contact and a relationship with them, in 2006 her older son was killed in a car accident. This devastated Rosie and while she has lived through the experience, the pull of all-consuming grief and depression is ever present.

Background: Rosie works in an administration role at a large university and lives alone. She has two sons, one of whom died a car accident in 2006. Her main interest outside of work is softball. Ethnic background' Anglo-Australian.

More about me...

Rosie’s childhood was not easy. Growing up with an alcoholic father and a domineering mother meant witnessing regular bouts of physical violence, being socially isolated, living in poverty, and being subjected to psychological and emotional abuse. In addition, her parents played favourites with their three daughters which meant Rosie and her two sisters were not close and have had difficulties in their relationships with one another as adults (although she is now close with her younger sister). A poor choice of marriage partner and ongoing low self-esteem were other legacies of the early part of her life.

 

Shortly after Rosie left home at 21 to move in with her then boyfriend (who later became her husband), her father died. Rosie had been her father’s favourite and his death was a great blow. Looking back, she thinks that she didn’t process her grief, as she felt utterly unsupported by her family or friends and simply didn’t know how to manage her feelings. Babies followed soon after – her first in 1983 and her second in 1985. By the time her sons were 7 and 5 respectively, Rosie had ended the marriage – a bitter blow to her ex-husband who was unable to accept her decision. In refusing to contribute financially to the boys’ upbringing after the divorce, he made Rosie’s life very difficult, and several years later precipitated her first bout of depression by convincing the boys to live with him on a permanent basis in a regional city several hours away – initially without her knowledge or consent. As a result, Rosie missed out on her sons’ adolescence, and was only able to re-establish a relationship with her younger son after a number of years. Tragically, she never had the chance to ‘clear the air’ with her older son who had remained more distant, as he was killed in a car accident in 2006, just before they had planned to sit down and talk things through. Several days after her son’s death, her then partner left her, stating that he was unable to cope.

 

For Rosie, her older son’s death was the darkest point in a life that she’d thought had seen enough suffering. However, this time she was determined to live through the pain and grief, which she has managed to do – with the aid of a few good friends, her younger son, her sisters, a wonderful GP, a support service for bereaved parents, and perhaps most importantly, an iron will. Counselling was not helpful for Rosie, and she elected not to try antidepressant medication. Although she thinks of her son daily, ‘cries every second day’, and wishes that others would understand that the pain never really goes away, she now feels she has many reasons to live, is accepting of her past, and sees a future filled with possibility. 

Rosie described the kind of support she appreciated or would like to receive.

Friends definitely, ongoing support rather than that support for the first couple of weeks after someone dies and then okay, she’s fine now and everyone gets back on with their lives. I said that to the counsellor at the Coroner’s Court the other week and you know, she said but people don’t, for me the fact I’ve lost a child is foremost in my mind and lives with me every minute of every day.

 

Other people have got other things, they don’t think oh by the way, Rosie’s lost a child, oh by the way, Rosie’s lost a child, oh by the way, Rosie’s lost a child. They don’t remember, they don’t think about it, they don’t care. They get on with their lives and it’s not until there’s a form of memory. But you just wish that you know, just because I’m happy and I’m an outgoing person and I’m playing softball and I’m hitting the ball and I’m having a drink, and - it doesn’t mean to say that that’s, I’m happy the whole time. 

 

The friends that gave me books at the funeral, that was fantastic, so that was really good. Only a few of those friends, text messages on Mother’s Day, I got nothing for Mother’s Day this year. Not even my son. Ah, so it’s the anniversaries that are the hardest. The first year is definitely the hardest and everyone said that. And in the first year I wanted to punch them in the face again, you know shut up. But you know, in hindsight it’s true. But it could be four years, it could be four minutes, it could be four weeks, it could be 40 years, it’s still to a large extent just as hard that you’ve lost a child. It’s just not quite as raw because you’ve dealt, you’ve learnt to deal with it.

 

You’ve learnt to understand and know your emotions and one other thing is to I try to, I don’t pamper myself because again – childhood stuff, we never got pampered you know, but my form of pampering, so it might be a you know, give myself a face mask, you know, light the candles, have a nice glass of wine, sit down and read my book and watch TV and kind of just relax and chill out time. 

 

I think it depends on each individual person too. Because I guess I’m an independent person and like my own company. So I don’t want people smothering me but I want, I want the support that reaches out and says if you need me, I’m here and I understand how you’re feeling but I don’t want people knocking at my door every three minutes and bringing casseroles for the next 20 years. So each person’s individual and different.

 

But text messages on all the important days. New Year’s, Christmas, birthday, [older son]’s birthday, the day he died, people don’t remember on the day he died. And I understand that. Reality, I understand it but emotionally I want, I want someone. I had one friend who I worked with, except Mother’s Day this year, that’s the first time. She’s forgotten and that’s probably because she lost her Mum recently. She’s been great and that’s what you appreciate. So you might not see her physically or go out with her for six months but she texts and says, I’m thinking of you and I know how hard it is. 

 

That would be my ideal support. That people just reach out and they don’t have to say much, they don’t have to actually do very much, if anything, just a, an email or a text message or a phone call to say, I hope you’re okay, we’re thinking of you, if you need anything we are here.

 

Rosie talked about how the way she was treated by her mother during her childhood had lasting...

I can remember I was asked out on a date by a guy who absolutely adored me, [friend] his name was, and I was so embarrassed and thought I was fat that I wore my school jumper because I felt I looked better in that than I did in any other clothes. You know, and I just, I cringe when I look back and think gosh. And I guess as an adult you kind of would think that you’ve learnt to re--evaluate yourself but I haven’t. I know I’ve still got very, very poor, very low self confidence, low self esteem. 

 

And it was interesting, something happened at work last week. Someone criticised a report that I did and it was like my Mum. It just pushed those buttons and it wasn’t what that person said, well it was, but I’m sure they didn’t mean it in that kind of context, they were just giving me feedback that I’d actually asked for. But it was my Mum telling me again I wasn’t good enough, and boy, it pushed buttons and I didn’t really realise that until a couple of hours afterwards when I look back in hindsight and thought, yeah you know, they pushed buttons that come back from that childhood.

 

Rosie was looking for information on antidepressants immediately after her son died, but her main...

Yes. I didn’t really find out any information on anti-depressants. I might have done a Google search, perhaps once, but I don’t remember , getting any specific information on anti-depressants. I think I probably, a few people might have said to me, yes I’ve taken them, they were good, no I haven’t, blah, blah, blah. That was probably the extent of the information I sought. In terms of depression, I read lots. Probably more on grief rather than depression. 

 

At the funeral, a couple of people gave me books on how to handle grief and losing a child. I bought, I went to Borders and bought another two or three books on how to survive the loss of a child and I’ve read them front cover to back cover. I read at the time, so this is within the first 12 to 18 months, I read a number of books that other people wrote on losing their child. So I found those things helpful in terms of dealing with my own grief, my own depression. 

 

The counselling service has information fact sheets and I’ve got all those still on depression, on grief. I read all them front cover to back cover. I did a lot of searches on the internet just about the whole grief, depression, and I did look at the [mental health support NGO] depression site back then as well. I certainly haven’t done all that in the last 12, 18 months, two years. But I did it back then.

 

Rosie described her GP as her 'lifeline'.

I think what was helpful was probably two, three things. One, she listened. She just listened. Two, she cried with me because she could feel. I think that empathy was really important. And three, she gave me a cuddle each time. So you know, I would have sat there for half an hour or an hour and just poured my heart out and she just listened the whole time and at the end with tears in her eyes, she just - and she was smaller than me in height and littler and so I felt like I was giving her a big bear hug and smoth - strangling her because I sort of wanted that contact, that you know, someone cared. That’s what she did. She cared. 

 

She could have been a doctor and she could have stayed removed but because I guess she was a mum and a female, she could understand. She could put herself in my shoes you know to some extent and she knew. She knew my body wasn’t coping so she was able to, you know, to work with it. She was gentle, she wasn’t pushy. She didn’t sit there and say, I think you must go on anti-depressants. She gave me the choice. 

 

And she said, this is my opinion, I don’t think at this stage, you’re very strong, you’re dealing, you’re this, you’re that so I don’t think you need to but if you want to I’m more than happy.

 

Rosie joined an organisation for bereaved parents following the death of her son. While telephone...

I went to, I joined an organisation called the [organisation name]. They have a 24 hour helpline that you can ring. I think I did ring them once or twice and the people on the other end of that are all bereaved parents as well so they know exactly what you’re going through – or to a large extent. They were very helpful and I would recommend them to anyone who loses a child. 

 

They also have a, I’ve forgotten what they call it but we all gather around and there’s a facilitator and you talk about your loss and your grief. I went to one of those with the Road Trauma Unit and I couldn’t handle it. It was probably within six months maybe of [older son] dying. It’s supposed to be a support network and there were people in that particular night I went, it was a cold rainy night. 

 

Some people had lost their child you know, some time ago, some that had lost recently and everybody wants to tell their story and at that time I was still in that, I don’t want to listen to anyone else, I just want to talk about mine, because that’s all you can deal with. You can’t, I didn’t have the resources, the strength to listen to other people’s loss. I was barely coping with my own. So I remember you know, I had tears listening, because you go around the table, around the room one by one. Although there weren’t many people there, I just couldn’t handle it. So I didn’t go back.

 

Then I tried, they have the same scenario with a facilitator at [organisation name] and I went to one of those probably about 18 months, two years after [older son] died. I was in a better place emotionally to handle that. And there was a lady there who had just recently lost her son - he had been disabled in an accident like three years before or something but he’d just died. And I remember looking at her and thinking, ‘She’s in shock’ and she’s - it was a mirror and it was like, gosh that’s what I was like you know, two years ago or 18 months ago. 

 

And I wanted to, I wanted to reach out and help her. I wanted to shake her, I wanted to tell her all the things that people had probably told me but I realised also she wasn’t ready to hear it because I wasn’t ready to hear it back then. 

 

Rosie emphasised the importance of a variety of self-help strategies for getting better.

But certainly in the last six months or so I’ve been a lot more healthier, exercising more regularly. So I think you know, if you’re depressed it’s about getting fresh air, sunlight, getting outside, going for a walk, exercise of any kind, and contact with people, very much. Don’t isolate yourself, um. Because you know, that first year, two years, I didn’t go out on the weekend. I stayed at home, I drank wine, I read. I could easily have become an alcoholic without a shadow of a doubt. I didn’t, I haven’t.

 

I knocked back invitations to go out because I just wasn’t up to it. I think that’s probably normal and part of the process, but - so at some point, whenever that was in the timeline, but it was a turning point where I said, well I’m not going to knock back anymore invitations and unless I’m really sick, I’m going out. And I found that you know, when I get there I’ll have a good time.

 

I went, we went to [place name] [Older son] died in 2006 so we went to [place name] in 2007 and we went for a week, I had, playing softball. I had a great week and I felt guilty when I came home because I didn’t think about [older son] for the whole week because I actually enjoyed myself. And I lived. And I, you know we’d go for a walk in the sea every day after softball and we went out for dinner every night and I had to learn to accept that it was okay not to think of [older son] every day and feel sad and be depressed and be mourning and be in grief because life does go on and you have to go on with it. 

 

You can’t you know, that bottomless pit is always ready to swallow you up but you have to keep going. And that was scary for a while, certainly in the first year or two, that bottomless pit was a roaring, gaping, big, huge hole that easily, easily could have slid into and not come out. Really had to struggle and fight and really pull on every inner, piece of inner strength I had to not fall into that bottomless pit. 

 

Rosie described growing up in a dysfunctional family that left her with low self-esteem.

How would I describe myself - I am probably a outgoing extroverted type person but at times shy and lacking in self-confidence. Ah, we grew up in an alcoholic family so my father was an alcoholic and unfortunately that caused a number of problems as children growing up, so it left some scars. And so there’s symptoms I guess if that’s what you call them, that we experience, and that one of those is lack of self esteem, lack of confidence.

 

Ah, we didn’t have much of a family life which was really sad because we didn’t grow up learning – I guess the, we were never allowed to have friends home because Dad would always be violent and, and drunk. He would stagger up the hall, a lot of the plaster in the walls was all cracked and stuff. Most Christmases he’d fall over the Christmas tree and break the ornaments which was very distressful for my Mum. 

 

We learnt violence. You know, a lot of swearing. Ah, Dad used to hit Mum all the time, put her in hospital a few times. She tried to commit suicide at one stage. She kind of gave up. So… it really affects you as children because we didn’t have kids home, other friends home. We didn’t go on holidays and we were very isolated. So whilst in some ways I suppose, well it was very poor and very bad but it learnt, it taught us to be independent. But I think, certainly I can only speak for myself but I’ve… too independent now in some respects, you know, so… 

 

Rosie went to a couple of counsellors but found the experience so unsatisfying that she lodged a...

So when [older son] died, I think that was one thing I was determined to do, was feel the pain, to, to live the grief so that I came out healthier out the other end. But again, I went to a couple of different counsellors. The (organisation name) have counselling. I went there for a number of sessions but I found all I wanted to do at the time was talk about me and what I was feeling and what I was experiencing and how do I deal with this, which is a natural thing I think when you’re in a counselling situation. And all she wanted to talk about was her daughter playing softball. So I was a little bit... 

 

I was very annoyed at that [laughs]. I wrote her a letter and said, and she did write back and apologise. The first counsellor I saw has a very unusual style and I’d walk into the counselling session. So this was within weeks of [older son] dying. And I was just, oh my God. He would sit there and go well, and I’d say, well. And he’d go, well. So he’d wait for me to initiate the conversation. And I didn’t, I wasn’t ready for that, I was in shock, I wanted someone to lead me and to tell me it’s going to be okay even though it probably, or possibly it wasn’t going to be.

 

And so I gave up. I only went to four or five sessions or something. I couldn’t handle that person. So I left, I didn’t feel it constructive. 

 

Rosie talked optimistically about her recovery and what she wanted from her life.

But there’s so much else to live for. You know, there’s wonderful places out in the world to go and visit and there’s people and there’s just - you know this weekend we, one of the girls bought Song Star which I’d never heard of before but it’s just you know, two microphones and CDs. I’m usually very, very self conscious and conservative. Well, you know, we were up singing and screaming and screeching into this microphone. God help the poor neighbours that had to put up with two nights in a row. 

 

So the future’s got lots. You know, it’s, you have to make your own future, you have to make opportunities, you have to take them when they’re presented to you. It’s very easy to sit and be melancholy and to drown in your sorrow and to say, you know, poor me. You can fall into that psyche and sit there and go, and I do, I have moments of that. But you have to pull yourself out. You have to look at other people and everybody’s got problems. When you talk to people and you actually ask them questions, everybody’s had tragedy of some kind. Okay, yeah, they didn’t lose a child, okay maybe in my eyes on the scale of things, it’s the worst thing that can every happen to you. And it probably is one of the worst. 

 

But it’s relative to everybody and everybody’s got different levels of strength and how they deal with it. And you have to keep pulling yourself back and remembering that.