Linda - Interview 32

Age at interview: 26

Age at diagnosis: 19

Brief Outline: Linda was diagnosed when she was 19. She is currently taking medication, and has benefited from counseling She had a happy childhood and supportive family. She has found exercise, walks on the beach near her house, surrounding herself with friends and family, and returning to her home city very helpful.

Background: Linda works full-time as a financial planner and is in a relationship. Ethnic background' Australian-Italian.

More about me...

Linda describes her childhood as happy. She had a ‘wonderful family’ and is very close to her extended family. They enjoyed holidays overseas and at a beach close to where she grew up. Linda says she had a ‘fantastic group of friends and a full life’, and cannot think of any environmental causes for her depression. She says there is no family history of depression and that her diagnosis came ‘out of the blue’. At times she has felt guilty because she cannot point to an event such as grief or trauma that caused her depression.

 

When she was 18 and in her first year of university Linda says things went ‘downhill’. Initially she thought she may have had glandular fever. She became ‘withdrawn and disinterested in social activity and often just wanted to stay in bed’. She describes feeling as if the whole ‘world had lost its colour’. Linda consulted her GP who asked her what was wrong, at which point she burst into tears and sobbed. She was diagnosed with depression, prescribed antidepressants and referred to a counsellor. The first antidepressants she tried made her sick but the next ones she was prescribed she found beneficial. Linda says during this time her mother and family were very supportive.

 

Linda later decided to move interstate to study. In hindsight she believes this was a mistake, as she lost the support network of her family and friends. Although she was taking antidepressant medication, she felt lost and alone. She had a partner briefly but the relationship ended, she thought, because of her depression. Linda became ‘more and more depressed’ and called her mother who came and helped her move home. She later moved to another state where she saw a psychologist but says ‘they didn’t really click’. She has seen other psychologists in her home city and says counselling has been beneficial. Linda has now settled back in her home city and says that being close to family and friends is very helpful for her. She believes she has been lucky to have employers who understand her depression and have supported her when she has needed time off work.

 

Linda continues with her medication and says counselling has helped her to be aware of ‘warning signs’. She regularly exercises, and walks on the beach near her house. Linda says surrounding herself with friends and family and returning to her home city were very helpful for getting better. Her social interactions and cheerfulness returned and she has stopped ‘feeling guilty about having depression’. Linda believes her recovery was both about regaining everyday functions and also a healing process of acceptance of her depression and a 'journey of self-growth and awareness'.

 

Linda described her struggle with suicidal thoughts and characterised her depression experience...

It's really hard to explain. It's sort of like the whole world just lost its colour. Everything just, everything that I used to love I just had no interest in and I didn't want to see my friends, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to study. I didn't want to do anything, I just wanted to sleep and just wanted to disappear. And you know, the thought of dying was probably the best solution that I could think of at that time. 

 

It was just, yeah, it's a really hard thing to explain to someone who's never had depression. But it's just like your whole world just sort of shuts in and, yes, it's awful 

 

Yeah. My lowest point was just before I started, before I went to the doctor before I started taking medication. I just, it's hard to explain. I just felt like I just didn't want to live. The option of not living felt like a better option than the option of living basically. I didn't want to do anything. I just, I was moody, I was crabby, I was tired. I could sleep all day and all night without a problem. I just, I hated everything. I hated myself and I hated myself even more for not knowing why I felt like that. It was just probably, like I said before, probably the worst part was I just didn't know why I felt like that and I just wanted to snap out of it but I couldn't. And the more, you know, the anger and angrier you get at yourself the worse it becomes and it's just a big awful cycle.

 

Linda said that access to information on the internet was useful in helping her to understand her...

Look when I first was diagnosed with depression I didn't even know what it was to be honest. I knew what it was but I had no real knowledge and assumed that it was, depression was associated with a tragedy or something like that. To be quite honest I don't really, I don't really ever remember using any resources. I went to a counsellor who, you know, explained what it was and what caused it and that sort of thing but I don't - there was no real awareness around it at that stage that I had access to.  But now obviously in recent years (mental health support NGO name) have been promoting, you know, promoting depression…

 

…and making people aware of it and it's a much more - you know I've used the website lots of times. Just gone on and just had a look at what depression is and the little quizzes and, you know, reading other people's stories. And that really helps - that really helped to know that there's other people in the same boat. Because when you don't know someone who's in the same boat…

 

Because there's nowhere to go and your doctor tells you you've got depression and gives you tablets and then you go to a counsellor and you tell them how you're feeling. But you still don't really know exactly what it is that's going on, so yeah.

 

Although Linda's former boss was unsupportive, she thinks awareness of depression in both wider...

Actually my last employer wasn't so supportive. She, I guess, just was ignorance which is not necessary her fault but she didn't understand. And, like I said, it's not something you can see - it's not the chicken pox or it's not…

 

She used to make me feel like I was lazy. That was the worst part. Like I was lazy and that I just couldn't be bothered going to work. Which is just absolutely so far from the truth. I would have paid to go to work if I was able, you know? I would have paid to be able to live my normal life and not, not be stuck at home, you know, feeling like the world was ending. But that's just the way it goes I think. 

 

And it's getting better. Awareness is getting better so as time goes by, I guess, awareness is gonna branch out and hopefully reach people like her a little bit [laughs].

 

Linda felt on the way to recovery when she accepted her depression as an illness that she was not...

So what does recovery mean for you?

 

Just being able to function again. Just to be yourself again. Just, you know, to be able to be happy and to feel happy and just to feel like you should feel and not feel like there's a giant cloud over your head all the time. And just to be able to function it's, you know, nothing special. Just to be able to be yourself and the person that you were before, before you were depressed, is probably, you know? And not having to rely too heavily on counselling or, you know, or medication or that sort of thing. Just to be able to get up and live your normal life.

 

I'd say the most healing thing was me coming to the realisation that that it wasn't my fault and that it, that I shouldn't feel guilty about it. Because it was not something I could control. I guess getting an understanding of what depression is and that it affects a lot of people and it's, you know, it's not just me. I think that was probably the most healing part. 

 

And just getting to a point where I felt like I'd done it and I felt like I'd gotten through it. You know the light at the end of the tunnel - I'd finally reached it and I was just - I felt like my old self. I think that was probably, you know, the most - I can look back now and be proud of myself for getting through it, so yeah.

 

Well I'm currently, I'm a para planner working in finance. I'm currently studying my Diploma of Financial Planning so within six months hopefully I'll be certified and I'll be able to start seeing my own clients. Yeah, so the future looks pretty rosy. When I think about my future I don't think about anything affecting it. You know depression doesn't even enter my mind. It's just a thing that's there but it's not, you know, it's not going to weigh me down in any way, so yeah. 

 

I've got a partner and hopefully we'll get married sometime in the not too distant future [laughs]. Yeah and I'm built my house and yeah life's good. 

 

It’s part of who I am but it doesn't define me, you know, it's just - I can, you know, I can I guess not embrace it but I can live with it and it's definitely - doesn't even factor into my future. And I would never let it get to a point - well hopefully I would never let it get to a point where it would ever affect me to that point again. So yeah hopefully I've reached my light at the end of the tunnel and you know never go down that track again. When I think of the future it's all pretty rosy so, [laughs] yeah.